It's The Final Cut Pro Countdown

I have spent 15 hours in the past 7 days in an editing suite. This is how I see things now:

The world is your timeline. Crop it.

8 Simple Rules For Picking Up My Teenage Daughter

Two days in and I've already went back on my non-promise to post everyday. I think this could be the start of a long and prosperous relationship.

Something that makes me laugh/cringe/_________ (adjective) is when I see guys trying to pick up girls in bars/clubs/__________ (place). It kills me every time, usually because the guy is:

A) 10 years older
B) creepy/creepy/_________ (adjective that rhymes with sleazy)

and the girl is:

A) 10 years younger
B) way out of his league.

I'm all for miracles, but there are some things even God himself can't pull off (I'm looking at you According To Jim). What actually makes a guy think that he has a shot? (other than the fact the girl might be plastered). Because all of my friends are hot (if you know me, you're hot), I consider myself to be an expert at the observation of the pickup. First, the guy will try to make small talk, something related to the body or clothing. If he's really adventurous, the weather or a local sports team. Next, the male subject will move closer in an attempt to initiate physical contact with the female subject. He'll introduce her to his entourage, usually comprised of the same losers from the male subject's high school, even if they've been out of school for the past 15 years. If the man isn't a cheap bastard, he'll purchase more alcohol for the female subject to increase his odds. This step is key as the number of drinks someone has is proportional to the chances of her not realizing you're a douche chill. The final step involves the female's friends pulling her away from your creepy prying arms. If you've been a cheap bastard, you've lost no money and you're up 3-5 grazes of someone who you're not allowed to be with by law in 146 countries in the world. AWESOME 3-5 TIMES!!

I'm an everyday Mystery. I think that's why I'm not with anyone; I should use my method and pray for miracles.

On an unrelated note, Blogger has really improved since the last time I used it a couple of years ago (I guess that happens when you're purchased by the biggest company in the world). Except for the HTML thing (which I still can't figure out and means if you're looking at http://thelastgreatcanadianjournal.blogspot.com, the simplistic layout you see before you will probably stay for a while), the features have really improved. I'm digging the spell check within the posting area, the automatic draft saver, the 1GB or so of picture space, and signing-in with your pre-existing Google account. FEATURED BLOG PLEASE.

I'm Shaq

After a very long absence from blogging (Facebook Notes tells me since January), I have decided to stage a comeback. Comebacks have been very overrated this year (see: Britney Spears at the VMAs, OJ Simpson returning to the justice system, and this stinker) so I'm reluctant to say the least. What do I have that the other losers don't? Noooooooo money. That should keep me above the waters for a little while.

So much has happened since January, but since this is MY journal, I'm not going to write any of that here. I think the one thing that annoys me the most is when people post about every detail of their everyday life, everyday. I take nothing away from the people that post every once in a while, but if I know what your sleeping patterns are everyday for a week and how it was brought on by a rash you got from banging Timmy in the break room while Suzie looked on (you naughty fox you), then you're starting to annoy me.

A little explanation on the name of this new incarnation of Enoch's blog. I decided a short while ago that I need to write a musical. It's my ultimate challenge: to combine a theatrical play with music, arguably two of my greatest strengths. The idea I've come up with will not be revealed here (nor the name, which basically gives away the idea), but just know when this thing blows up on Broadway and sweeps the Tony awards, you read about it on my blog first. Even if it doesn't materialize and I never write a single song for it, it's a cool title.

I'm going to try to post everyday. It's not a promise but it's a start. Maybe not the essays I'm used to writing, but at least a little bit each day. I'm also going to try and go all 21st century on your asses by incorporating more pictures and videos to make things more interesting to look at. Again, not a promise. I do promise, however, to include the most groundbreaking and incisive issues that will serve as fodder for everyday intelligent conversation and not my usual brand of stupid, dirty, lowbrow humour. Isn't that right Al Franken in diapers and bunny ears while in bed clutching a teddy bear?

The Last Great Canadian Post

It's all downhill from here.