2008: Year of the Awesome

(Allow me this sentimental post and I promise I'll get back to more sperm videos soon).

As I sit here on a Greyhound bus speeding through somewhere in Michigan, I'm reminded about how great the past year was. I started the year off in Chicago and ended it in the city where I started. In between were 365 days, each day miraculously surpassing the events and good time of the day preceding it. I've spent the past year in different cities, provinces, states, and countries in different homes, venues, bars, and places. From holding an Oscar in Times Square, New York City, to getting splattered with blood at Evil Dead: The Musical in Toronto. From surfing on tables to the sounds of Brian Wilson at Bluesfest in Ottawa to going absolutely out of my mind at Umphrey's McGee in Chicago.

The following are just a few of my favourite things in 2008 (some of which are “braggy” but some of which you, the loyal reader, should check out or go to if you have the chance):

Moments:
1) NYE Chicago Run

and then in reverse chronological order:

Getting Obama'd at La Maison
Not My 101 Week
Folk Festival
Bluesfest
Summer Southern Ontario Swing
Reading Weekend in New York

Concerts:
1 of the year and of my life) Umphrey's McGee - 2008-12-31 - 2009-01-01
2) Umphrey's McGee - 2008-12-30
2) Umphrey's McGee - 2008-12-29

and then in no particular order:

Basia Bulat @ Zaphods
Kathleen Edwards/The Fugitives @ The Black Sheep Inn
Wyclef Jean/Akon @ Bluesfest
Coldplay/Stars @ Scotiabank Place
Great Big Sea @ Heart and Crown
Born Ruffians/Ruby Coast @ School
Broken Social Scene/Dala @ Folk Fest
The Frequency @ Bluesfest

Albums (in no particular order):
My Morning Jacket - Evil Urges
For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver
Viva La Vida - Coldplay
The Rhumb Line - Ra Ra Riot
Asking For Flowers - Kathleen Edwards
We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things - Jason Mraz
Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
A Good Day - Priscilla Ahn
Punch - Punch Brothers
Hammerstrike - Lotus
Original Soundtrack - Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog
Original Broadway Cast Recording - Passing Strange

**********************************************************

All my thoughts divided

All my friends divided

All my worlds divided, it’s gone so far

All these ways divided

All these thoughts divided

When all our roads are spoken for

Then it fades, far gone

Last night, as Brendan Bayliss of Umphrey's McGee sand these words to close out the best concert I have ever attended, I was moved to tears. Many, many miles divided me between most of my friends while inches divided my between some others. As corny as it sounds, you were all right there with me, saying goodbye to the old and looking forward to the new.

To all the friends and people I've come across this past year, old and new, I'm eternally grateful and thankful from the bottom of my (admittently sometimes cold and cruel) heart. It’s because of all of you that made 2008 a year I won’t soon forget.

BUT 2009 is a new year and as amazing as 2008 was, I’m excited about what each of these next 365 days will bring for me, for you, and for the world at large. I expect to be sitting somewhere at this very same time next year writing virtually the same entry, only with different memories, events, and all around good times.

Here we go again.

No Really... I'm Back

Ok, so I know I promised I would keep up the blog and that new entries would be plentiful. I lied. You're going to have to accept the fact that people on the internet lie. That "HOT AND HORNY" girl on MySpace? She's not actually hot. She's most likely not even a girl! Ahhhh trusty non-trustworthy internet. How I missed your spaces to blog from.

I'm going to take a page out of Andrew Keenan-Bolger's Blog (you should all check it out. He's currently on the National Tour of Spelling Bee [which stops in Ottawa in May] and his blogs and vlogs about his road life are great. Maybe our blogs might cross paths in May...). I'm going to start posting again but it's not going to be everyday. Everyday blogging just tires out the creative juices in my head. A lack of juice in my body doesn't bode well for anyone. Speaking of which, I need some orange juice.

Get Up, Stand Up

I've been bad. I promised to write, but I haven't. I swear, I've been really busy. I was just about to write this really long thing about a controversy that's going on at UofO, but when I went and searched the Fulcrum articles that provides the information about said controversy, I was presently surprised to see that someone has already written a nicer and more concise version of what I was just about to write. Therefore, instead of writing the exact same thing, I will link to the article:

Bilingualism requirements dash the hopes of another crop of SFUO candidates

I have always been very clear on my own personal views about this issue, and issues like it: anyone, regardless of age, sex, race, nationality, sexual orientation, or language, should be able to do or achieve whatever he or she chooses to do. It's in our freakin' constitution. Last time I checked (and with no disrespect meant to any French-speaking people), all those rights come before the section on the Official Languages of Canada, and the only province, constitutionally, that is required to use both Official Languages in the education system is New Brunswick.

Anyone speaking either English OR French should be able to run for the SFUO, a student association in a school that's located in a province that's not New Brunswick. Let we, the people, decide who should represent us. If they are qualified, let we, the students, vote on the person we want in our office based on their platform and their kick-ass free stuff and gimmicks. Since birth, we've been taught that the most important and privileged things about living in Canada is our freedom, our rights, and our democracy. What this situation proves is that the inherent principles of our rights, freedoms, and democracy are no matter within the confines of the University of Ottawa, a scary precedence that has gone on for many years at our school.

You'll be hearing more from me about this sooner rather than later...

Work Out

Ugh. I want to write this really long entry about American Gladiators but I've got work to do. I know, I know: "ENOCH, YOU'RE DOING WORK!?" It's readings that count toward something and therefore my philosophy of "doing as little as possible to get by." Sorry blog world, you're gonna have to hear about Helga tomorrow.

Party Of One

There's something about going to a restaurant alone thats really cool. It's basically a date with yourself, minus all the awkward asking out, the troublesome planning, the awkward "hello," the painful silence, the awkward silence... I'm beginning to sense a pattern. Sitting in a restaurant alone, your senses sharpen. Just you, your waiter, your food, and your thoughts. Occasionally, something happens around you that makes you look up, but generally it turns out to be nothing; back to your food.

Restaurants have always fascinated me. As avid readers of my blog may know, a lot of things fascinate me: buses, trains, planes, any method of transportation really, taser guns, stupid people, Hannah Montana, stupid people willing to do anything to see Hannah Montana, Starbucks barista girls, girls, people in general, fads, fashion, the entertainment industry, how Good Luck Chuck became a movie, why anyone thinks Dane Cook is funny, did I say Hannah Montana? The lists goes on and on. The notion of being able to look at a piece of folded cardboard or a white board with "Specials" in dry-erase marker, point to a number, and then have it appear in front of you in five minutes to an hour (I'm looking at you Johnny Farinas on Elgin) is mind-boggling. In addition, everyone sitting around you each has their own story and conversation and are generally cheerful thanks to the (hopefully) great food and drinks off of that folded piece of cardboard.

Everyone sitting down at a restaurant is equal; we are all at the mercy of the people preparing and serving our food. Therefore, everyone has to be at their best behavior. Of course, sometimes, you're in a group and the conversations turn loud, fast, and loose but generally, you have to be good to your hosts, otherwise you might end up with some unexpected additions to your plate.

No one likes an unexpected surprise.

Shout Out

Even though, I don't believe in "math" or "science" or "studying," I have to send a SHOUT OUT to two schools in Fairburn, Georgia who are starting up at 15-week pilot program that will pay underachieving students $8 an hour to attend a study hall. In order to be eligible, the forty students in grades eight and eleven (for now) must be "underperforming" in math and science. Aside from the sweet more-than-minimum wage, eight graders will get a $75 bonus and eleventh graders will get a $125 bonus if their marks are raised to a B. If all goes well, some kids stand to earn $605 during the semester.

How sweet is that!? All those aspiring student body presidents out there, take note: a promise to pay students for school is coming sooner rather than later! What will they come up with next? CLOWN COLLEGE!? Wait, you're telling me they already have that?

PILLS

If you read yesterday's blog, you may have noticed a glaring story omission. Unless you've been living under a rock and didn't catch the 24-hour Heath Ledger Death-A-Thon on CNN, Heath Ledger is dead. I don't want to brag, but I CALLED IT! Well, not the death part, no one could see that one coming, horrible tragedy and what not. What I did call was the story taking front page news over at our friends the Ottawa Sun.
WHOO! Biggest headline on the front page! They did not disappoint. Let's examine the stories that took the silver medal to "HEATH LEDGER DEAD AT 28 - Hollywood In Shock, Young Ottawa Co-Star 'Sad'" (check out the random "PILLS" at the bottom of that).

-Son Charged In Murder - Grizzly family murder story? FUCK THAT, LEDGER'S DEAD!
-Not Enough Jump - Surely, a losing local sports team must be bigger than a movie star dying? Guess again.
-The Manley Report on Afghanistan - The biggest story in the Citizen and really every other paper in Canada has been regulated to a header at the Ottawa Sun, with the writer's name and picture taking over 1/3rd of the header space.
-Plus All The Oscar Noms! - Can't forget the Oscar noms, even though you can barely see it on the front page.

And not a single mention of the world's ACTUAL biggest story: stock market turbulence. I guess that doesn't really sell papers; you have to spice it up. "STOCK MARKETS HIT TURBULENCE OVER TROUBLED PACIFIC OCEAN WHILE DODGING MISSILES. TWO DEAD, DOZENS INJURED."

Chi Tea

I've been drinking a lot of tea recently. I never drank tea (except iced tea) up until a few weeks ago and for those of you that have heard the "I'm really not that Asian" rant, not drinking tea was another item on the long list that makes me a disgrace to my culture (the biggest one being my inability to use chopsticks). I guess that's the product of a kid born and raised in Canada in two non-Asian cities. Another product of an Asian kid born and raised in Canada: I'm a monster. I mean have you seen normal Asian people? The average height is like 5'. 5' 5" at most if they ate their green beans as a kid. These people are really short. Me? 6'. Every single time I go see relatives or any of my parents' Asian friends, the first words out of their mouths (in Chinese) are "YU SOUL TALL!" I think it was something in the Canadian water which therefore leads me to believe that basketball's Yao Ming was secretly raised in Canada.

I've never been good at "fitting in" with my culture. When I was little, the only Asian people I saw were at church and at home. Even when I went to a Chinese restaurant in St. John's, the owner and all the patrons were all white. A "Chinese" dinner at "Hong Kong Restaurant" (that was the name, I swear to God) consisted of fried rice, chicken balls, egg rolls, and chicken noodle soup. It wasn't even Campbell's chicken noodle soup. Living here though, my family never eats that stuff when we go to Chinese restaurants. The one place that is a "Chinese-Canadian" restaurant here (Golden Palace on Carling. The egg rolls are to die for), my mother hates. I can understand why you hate that kind of food after growing up on it, and then moving to Canada and finding out that "Hong Kong Restaurant" was the only place in your town serving "Chinese food." It's sort of like growing up with daily neighborhood shootings and then moving out of Toronto. I can't let that one go.

Where was I? Oh yes. Tea. I've been drinking a lot of it recently and I'm finding it hard when you start out. There are so many kinds, especially at Starbucks. They all sound so deceivingly delicious too. "White Blueberry." "Passion." "Green Orange Passion." The reason I say deceivingly is because these flavors taste NOTHING like their advertised fruit and need at least 6 spoonfuls of sugar to help that medicine go down. When you say "can I have a regular tea?", they just look at you like an idiot and ask "what kind of tea?" because "regular" in the barista girl's mind means "tall." That information is handy for later when you ask the barista girl "do you wanna go out with a regular guy?"

"YU SOUL REGULAR!"

Atonement

I'm back, back from a month long "hiatus." Did you miss me? You did didn't you. Since you're probably reading this on Facebook notes, you're probably just glad that you're reading something that's NOT stolen from ________ because he/she is bored. So many reposted quizzes and surveys, so little time. It'll probably take a few days for me to get back into the swing of my blog things (I'd never thought I'd live to see the day I use "blog" in a dirty connotation), but a month off has offered a lot of stupid people in the news and the world around me to go unpunished (by my words).

First to atone: Last week, Toronto Mayor David Miller's call for an "absolute ban" on handguns in Canada. Weren't you supposed to do this like... forever ago? I mean, what made you all of a sudden come up with the bright idea? Could it be the two people that died from stray bullets in the past week in your city? Or the hundreds that die across your city and the near thousands that die all across Canada each year? While an "absolute ban" will actually never happen, it's about bloody time you're speaking up. Although I do understand why he didn't speak up before: he didn't want to get shot. Understandable. After all, he does live in Toronto.

Next to atone: The Razzie Awards, the awards that claim to "de-honour" Hollywood's worst movies has some explaining to do. I think I speak for everyone in demanding a recount when "Good Luck Chuck" was shut out from the major movie nominations. Have they even seen that piece of crap?

Call up the Atone Phone: Hollywood. What has this world come to when we can't even celebrate the achievements of our biggest stars by watching a gala on TV? Instead, Hollywood's biggest nights have turned into press conferences. If I want to see awards being given out without all the prestige that comes with an awards show, I'll watch MTV Video Music Awards, thank you very much. If I want to see awards given out without all the excitement, I'll watch the Governor General's Performing Arts Awards, thank you very much.

Lastly, atone: Hilary Clinton for (among other things) crying. America can't have (another) president that cries when faced with something tough. Crying, though, has gotten a lot of people in history what they want including:

He wants his bottle.
He wants Joey.I don't know what he wants.

Some Thing Has Found You

Coming tomorrow...

1-21-08

Chicago

December 28th – 6:30PM EST

And we’re off. Greyhound bus schedule 0357 from Toronto, ON to Chicago, IL with a stop in London, Detroit, and Greyhound-god-only-knows-where-else. I bought a journal type book at the cigar and magazine store below the Toronto Coach Terminals because I thought it might be fun to road blog. Yes that’s right, the blog has gone back. All the way back to before there were even blogs. Just me, my pen, and my puppy dog journal.

There really wasn’t much choice in the matter regarding the front of the journal.

The Toronto Coach Terminals really sucks. You have to wait outside for a bus, and move aside every time a bus comes in to load people. The washrooms ALWAYS seem to be in a constant state of cleaning which means everyone has to use the single handicap washroom on the main level. I saw signs that said “don’t feed the birds” and laughed at the notion that there might be birds inside the terminal, especially during the winter months. The pigeon that nearly flew into my head shut me up pretty quickly.

The Greyhound bus itself is a thing to behold; you’ll find all sorts of people on the bus. On this bus? Lots of non-North Americans. When the Greyhound Girl was checking passports, the 10 people in front and behind me were all carrying citizenship cards and passports from a county that wasn’t Canada or the US. My best guess as to why they’re headed south of the border: to claim refuge status. Ok, ok I know what you’re probably saying: “Enoch you asspants, why don’t they just claim refuge status in Canada?” Well Lil’ Timmy, our dollar is really high these days and immigrants looking to purchase items such as a house, a car, or bulk drugs to start a new life are looking for the cheapest option. That option is Amedika.

One of the girls behind me is headed to Chatam (aka Who Cares, Ontario) and talking to a new bus buddy (headed for Detroit. So what, they’re talking loudly and I’m creepy. Sue me) about the difference in the university system between Canada and the US. Bus buddies are fun… most of the time. For this leg of the trip, I have decided to forego the making of any bus buddies cuz I just wanna stretch out in two both seats. When I got on the bus, I proceeded to be an ass and sit on the aisle seat, pop in my earphones, and muster up my biggest “I’m a big fat jerkbag” face so no one would sit beside me. For a long trip like this, a little asseyness goes a long way in ensuring a little comfort. Window seats are overrated. Sitting on the aisle gives my freakishly long legs a chance to stretch out. Of course at the next stop, someone is going to get on and sit in my nice empty seat before I even get a chance to sleep in it. Greeeaaaattt.

One of the Asian guys beside me (represent) must really be regretting his purchase in Toronto right about now: a giant plush mushroom from the Mario games. I don’t even know if Mushroom has a proper name. See, if I were doing this at a computer, I would have the resources to Wikipedia that sort of thing up. PROOF BABY. Mushroom is sitting on this guy’s lap and reaches to his head in height and spans the width of the seat in front of him to within inches of his face. For his sake, I hope he gets off soon (that’s what she said), otherwise in another 12 hours, he might not wanna see or eat a mushroom ever again. Even the trippy kind.

Speaking of things you never want to see again, if I see another ad for Josh Groban’s “Noel” album, I’m going to freak. No wonder this was the biggest selling CD of the year! I’m pretty sure a couple million of those were purchased right here in Toronto; how could you not with Josh Groban’s pretty face telling you it’s available every street corner, highway exit, and urinal stall.

Look at me! I’m Josh Groban!

December 28th – 8:45PM EST

Rest stop at the London Greyhound station. My Fruit Explosion muffin from the nearby Tim Horton’s didn’t have the juicy explosion in the middle. What a jip. Every time I eat one nowadays, there’s a 50/50 chance as to whether there’s a creamy centre or not. I JUST WANNA HAVE FRUIT GO BANG BANG IN MY MOUTH. Suffice to say, one of the many examples Tim’s continues go down. Hill. I really have to finish my sentences.

I think the city buses here in London are made by the same company that makes the OC Transpo ones. Same colours too! I don’t really know why London needs the long articulated buses though; it’s not like there’s enough people that live in London to use them! Oh snap. I think for those that live in Ottawa (no matter where in Ottawa. That’s right, I’m including you Kanata, Orleans, Barrhaven, and outlying areas folks in this), we sometimes take for granted that we live in one of the best all around cities. Everything is relatively close, the city is very straight forward, and we have all the essentials and more. Granted, we don’t have a Mary Brown’s Chicken like they do here in London. That place is the SHIT! Their taters are the best in the world. I sure hope there’s one in Chicago.

December 29th – 6:34AM CST

So I’m in Chicago. Where in Chicago? I’m not really sure. The Starbucks baristas couldn’t really help me out with that one, but they did ask one of the Saturday 6:30 in the morning regulars to point my location out on a Chicago transit map I printed out at home. I’m somewhere North. Really North. When I got off the bus, I walked like 10-20 blocks looking for something that was open. I then got in a cab and asked him to find me something that was open. Half an hour after I got off the bus, I found this Starbucks somewhere North. Really North. It’s also the first Starbucks I’ve seen here in Chicago. You’d think there would be more, equal or greater to the amount of Tim Hortons in London or Windsor. In either of those cities, you could throw up your Fruit Explosion-less muffins in disgust and chunks would hit at least three Tims around you.

I’m going on no sleep from the night. I’m usually a light sleeper but it doesn’t help matters when the bus driver blasts some radio station through the bus intercom system the entire night. Even with my Shure E2C Sound Insulating ear phones or my ear plugs, it wouldn’t block out the sounds of songs such as The Beatles’ All You Need Is Love or Aretha Franklin’s Respect. I also left my ear plugs on the bus (the $1 ones, not the $100 ones) so I think I’m going to go pick some up from the very brightly lit 24 hour drug store that’s across the street from me right now.

Speaking of bus buddies, the girl that got on in London and sat next to me (told ya) turned out to be really cool. So much for not making a bus buddy on this trip. We bonded over Ontario universities (UofO vs. Western) and Chicago. More specifically, my lack of knowledge of Chicago and trusty hints such as which direction to walk when I got off the bus, for without that, I would be somewhere in Indiana right now.

Ahhh. Trusty Starbucks. The same store in both countries. Same menu. Same music. I don’t really know what I’m going to do for another couple hours after I finish my venti apple cider (side note: Canadian Sarah Harmer is on the Starbucks radio. CAN CON ROCK). I think I’m going to take advantage of their washroom and use it to brush my teeth and wash my face after a long night of no running water. Hobo life rocks! Just ask one of many that are lurking in the entrances. Oh wait, not anymore. Starbucks barista girl has shoed them away. I want a Starbucks barista girl.

Hey! FedEx Kinko’s is open 24 hours too! Maybe I can go in and pretend to mail something…

December 29th – 7:30AM

Still at Starbucks. James Taylor sounds fucking sweet. Note to self when you get home: download James Taylor. I can also see, by the sheer number of Alvin and the Chipmunks ads on taxi cabs, how that movie has earned $80 million to date. I guess Alvin is to Chicago as Josh Groban is to Toronto. Kudos to the marketing for a good campaign for what I’ve heard is an absolutely horrendous movie.

The ad campaign as depicted by me. What a terrible drawing.

December 29th – 9:05AM

Argo Tea (somewhere in Chicago’s Theatre district). As you can see, killing time for me means killing George Washingtons (you just wait. “Killing George Washingtons” will be the hippest phrase in 2008). After Starucks, I went to this place called the Original Pancake House which was jam packed at 8:00AM (although, when else would it be packed…). I’m going to go ahead and say that the restaurant is pretty popular, especially when there was least 20 people working for a place that holds maybe 50 people and a long hallway designated for people waiting to get in. Sorta like Cora’s in Canada but more considerate.

Now, I’m in the Chicago Theatre district.
(My picture, pretty sweet eh?)

As I just texted Julie, I don’t really know exactly how I got here or how I’m going to get to my next destination. That’s been my theme this morning. You can tell it’s the theatre district just by the two guys working at this shop. My guess: both failed and/or aspiring actors. They even have a cute “Actors” label on the door usually marked “Employees Only.” Nice touch as it probably reminds these guys every time they pass through it that they haven’t made it yet. That they, for the foreseeable future, won’t be hitting the stage next door at the Oriental Theatre (currently, home to the sit-down production of Wicked) and instead serve the PAs the coffees they ordered for the cast of Wicked on a Argo run. One of the guys could probably double for Toby on Degrassi or for a shorter version of one of the Spring Awakening guys. The other guy could probably play a pirate in an adaptation of Pirates Of The Caribbean. Not the Johnny Depp character. Or any of the speaking lines. Someone in the ensemble. Just like me, this guy’s gonna be here a while.

The nice ticket lady at the subway station really helped me figure out the transporting-of-me-to-where-I-wanted-to-go side of things. I now have a handy-dandy 24 hour pass to get me around town right now and later on tonight for the Umphrey’s concert. ROCK.

Maybe some cast members from Wicked might come in proudly displaying some cast shirt or jacket so I know they’re from Wicked. Yeah, screw that. They’re not Kristin Chenoweth or Idina Menzel which means that don’t deserve my stalking time.

December 29th – 11:25AM

Some coffeeshop in Lombard, IL. I DID IT! I conquered the Chicago transit system! All in the span of six hours. SUCK IT. Bus, cab, subway, train, walking, I did it all! I have also had a different non-coffee drink in each of the coffee establishments I have been in this morning. Cider, water, tea, and now hot chocolate in this really small place in Lombard. All is good, minus the no sleep part. It really hit me on that 45 minute ride out to the suburbs on the Metra (look at me, fitting in). Even with a hopeful few hours of sleep this afternoon, this no sleep thing could be a really cool drug at tonight’s concert since I’ll be attending it sober thanks to the 21+ drinking age. If Lindsay can do it underaged, why can’t I!?!? Non-celebrity life is SO unfair. Well I guess it does have its ups and downs:

Me in a underaged celebrity mugshot. Not my finest hour.

I’m pretty sure the owner of this place is pissed at me, his only customer. He probably wishes I wasn’t here so he can smoke a joint in the back of this joint. Too bad for him! As the buyer of a $2 70US drink, I’m entitled to sit in this establishment until said drink is finished. SUCK IT.

December 29th – 2:30PM

Nancy and Dave’s house. Me tired. Sleep. Now.

January 1st – 11:20PM EST

Somewhere in Michigan, I think. HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR. I haven’t updated in the past few days I know. I’ve been having way too much fun with rarely a free moment to spare. Here’s a short list of things from the past few days:

Umphrey’s McGee

The reason I came to Chicago. They played three of the most amazing concerts I have ever seen with night three/NYE being one of my top concerts of all time. The NYE show was also probably their best of the year (that’s coming from me and a number of their fans on The Bort [Umphreys’ message board] who have all listened to or attended a large chunk of shows this year). You really should have been there.

Chicago food

I have eaten some of the best food ever my past few days. Whether it was at the Johansson/Boutcher household, Portillo’s Hot Dogs, or even Popeyes Chicken and Biscuits (I’m pretty sure if you eat more than one of those biscuits in your lifetime, those pure butter tea biscuits, you will die. No doubt about it), the food was amazing!

People I’ve met

Chicago really does a get an undeserved bad reputation when it comes to its people. Of course many of the people I did meet weren’t actually from Chicago… but it still counts!

I’m speeding through Michigan in a snow storm. I can’t wait to do it all again next year.

January 2nd – 1:09AM

Canadian Border in Windsor, ON. Just a small thing before I go. I just went through Canadian Customs and Immigration eating a fruit cup. Our whole bus (which has almost exactly the same number of people here as there was on the way to the US) got through customs in 15 minutes. Compare that to the hour and a half we took getting into America. I guess getting cheap bulk drugs and bringing them back to Canada isn’t that hard. Note to self when you get home: get cheap bulk drugs next time you go to America.

Special thanks to Sarah, Dave, Nancy, Julie, everyone I met, and everyone that helped me (cuz I know ticket lady and 6:30AM regular at Starbucks guy are reading this) for making NYE in and around Chicago amazing.

Don't Tase Me Bro (and Other Random Thoughts)

In this week's truncated edition of Don't Tase Me Bro (I'm still on hiatus), Ottawa Police were called last Thursday to Rideau High School after a 17-year-old grade 11 student entered traffic on St. Laurent Boulevard and called for cars to run him over because he was upset over a breakup with his girlfriend. According to the teen, he put his hands up when police approached him and he was out of traffic when police tased him (while he most likely shouted "DON'T TASE ME BRO!").

First off, I'm neither defending the kid or the police. Both parties in this case are in the wrong in some way. The kid for one needs some friends; don't run to strangers in fast moving cars on a busy street attempting to tell them your girlfriend broke up with you! That's just not smart. Even if they weren't in cars, they wouldn't listen to you. Also, guys who threaten to kill themselves just because their girlfriends break up with them: SO cliché. What ever happened to writing emo songs to try and win her back? Better yet, just stop bothering her and let her move on. Preferably to me.

The police didn't handle the situation any better. If what this kid says is true, the police in this instance (and in many previous instances) got a little taser happy. What ever happened to good ole' police brutality? Undue force is the way to go people! My favourite quote to come out of this whole thing has to be from Staff Sgt. Peter Couillard who says that if the Ottawa police issued a news release every time a Taser was used, "we'd be writing them 10 times a day." TEN TIMES A DAY!? That must be comforting to the drunks, crazy hobos, and erratic boyfriends of the world.

On an unrelated note, today is Boxing Day. a day where if your phobia is large crowds, you might wanna stay in and keep playing that Guitar Hero III you got yesterday. Is it just me or do stores open earlier and earlier each year? Last year I could have sworn that the "line up before a certain time and have a chance to win a $500 gift card from Best Buy" was at 6:00AM. This year? 5:30AM. Luckily for you, I hacked the Best Buy site and found the advertisement for next year's line up and win contest.

That's right. They're gonna make them line up on the 22nd, at 3:30AM. That's just not right.

See you in Chicago.

A Christmas Message

(Because I'm lazy and technically still on hiatus, I'm going to repost my Christmas Day blog from last year with a few updated jokes and references and some revision. Hope you enjoy it. Again.)

It's Christmas time again and what do I do? The same thing I do every holiday or on any day with some significance: write a late-night blog. I just can't bring myself to write in the day time, partially because there are just so many more important things to do in the day (things such as... okay, there really is nothing important to do during the day time. I was just trying to set up my next point as to why I usually write late at night but I'm doing a piss-poor job at that because I'm being upfront with you, the loyal blog reader) but mostly because night writing brings out the words in all of us; the words that are too terrible for the day time and not quite ready for primetime. You know the ones! You've seen them on PerezHilton.com and heard them (although, not directly) from the mouth of Miss Teen South Carolina. Words that I don't wanna repeat for fear of having to apologize on the air.

Christmas Day is and was never really big in our household. Everyone always knows what they are getting and the decorations are always just a few lights, a few wrap-around evergreen strings, and maybe a mini-tree. The presents never come out at night, always when everyone is awake so suffice to say (*HUGE SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS, SKIP AHEAD. I don't want to ruin your Christmas and all the presents that the really real Santa brings. END OF HUGE SPOILER ALERT*) my parents never pushed the fabrication that is Santa on my sister and I. I was thinking to myself today whether or not I should do that to my kids. I think I won't because I don't want to see his or her heart break when he or she finds out there is no Santa and that it was all a lie, just like (*MORE HUGE SPOILERS*) the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, or Britney Spears is a good mother.

Even if Christmas is big at your house, I don't know what people do on this day other then "spend time with family" and "have a good honkin' meal." After the presents are unwrapped (or if they weren't wrapped to begin with), the day kind of always feels just like any other day except that the stores are closed and television programming really sucks (it's either re-runs or some ill-conceived made-for-TV movie about something that goes horrible wrong at Christmas time but eventually works itself out). Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking Christmas. I love the break you get off of whatever you're doing and the excuse it gives you for giving and receiving presents. I mean what other time of the year do you get to see the disappointed faces of your friends and family when you give them the High School Musical 2 DVD Board Game!? Okay, maybe their birthday, but you don't get to see the disappointed faces of everyone that's gathered in the room when you give them ALL the High School Musical 2 DVD Board Game at the same time! It's the thought that counts.

What other time of the year do you get the brave ridiculous line-ups at stores before AND after Christmas day? What other time of the year do you get to feel really bad for not having someone to spoon with? What other time of the year do the Porn shops close and you can't rent The Da Vinci Load or Saving Ryan's Privates? Okay, those are knocks against Christmas. I promised myself and Baby Jesus I wouldn't diss Christmas because Baby Jesus' posse is huge, and his street cred is through the roof. That gives me a great idea. If Christians are trying to reach out to youth, they should appeal to youths with hip hop. I mean, who wouldn't like some "DA DEVIL IZ 4 LEWSERS" bling, a big portrait of Jesus on a oversized black t-shirt, or some really cool God logo on a baseball cap (a la the New York Yankees, etc). Just think of all the people who think that Tupac's "resurrection" was "illin'." If you told them that Tupac actually "posed" off of Jesus, you'll get some automatic converts.

Okay, I went off the rails with that tangent. Where was I? Oh yes, Porn. That gives me another great idea. Christianity should use Porn to try and convert people! Think about it, using the biggest industry in the world to get your message out. It's a win-win situation. Catholic School Girls Gone Wild should do it.

I have a zit or... something on my forehead. I hate things that aren't normally apart of my body, they creep/frustrate me out. What does this have to do with Christmas you say? Nothing at all. I should have ended my blog with that last paragraph because it was funnier. I don't know why I kept going. This anecdote has nothing to do with anything that was written in this blog or have any relation to the holidays. It's just full disclosure in keeping with the tradition of Festivus. Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to watch Hannah Montana - Life's What You Make It on DVD. Ahh. Just what I asked for.

Car Crash

The following is former CTV news personality Ravi Baichwal, now working in Chicago at ABC, after a car crashes through the studio during a live newscast:

Hi Atus!

As you can see, I haven't written in a few days including the much hyped age-old question and answer I promised a few days back. The past few days has been a whirlwind of bus rides, fancy meals in far away cities, fancy meals in near away places, fancy deserts, Christmas shopping, study groups, movie screenings, finding out the movie screening you were supposed to go to is full and you have to see another movie, study groups (with a light emphasis on "study"), "studying," apartment hopping, parties, and many different people. This type of behavior doesn't look to be letting up in the next little while so I'm going to take a break from this daily forum I call my journal. I could make it seem really cool and say my blog's going dark in support my fellow writer's as they continue striking for a fair deal... Anyways, in a week or so I'll be back before you know it and we'll be able to share laughs and stories and catch up on everything we've missed.

Teaser

I have found the answer to an age-old question. More on the question and my answer tomorrow.

That's All Folks

I love this Larry O'Brien story that's developing. It's the stuff political satirists live for. In case you don't read news regarding local politics (you're probably not alone. Local politics is pretty boring), an eight month investigation was just wrapped up by the RCMP looking into allegations that O'Brien bribed another candidate in the mayoral race to drop out promising the guy $30 000 and an appointment to a well-paying job. Charges are expected Monday against O'Brien all but signaling there is enough evidence to prove that the allegations were true.

Who bribes people in a mayoral race!? Where are we, Salem!? I knew this guy many people call "Lex Luther" was bad from the start. Something about his bald, scary head and it wasn't because he looked like Lex Luther. No... it was something...

Ahh. Yes. That's it.

Well Mr. O'Brien, you'd best let things be because if I remember correctly, Elmer Fudd always looses in those things against those wascaly wabbits.

Tonight's Special: Ballz

A blow to underaged license scratchers everywhere:

Ontario introduces new secure driver's license

Sorry all you undeRAGERS. I guess you're gonna have to continue... getting me to buy all your alcohol. FUCK. I never win.

In other news, I saw a Chinese restaurant owner placing bets with his bookie tonight in the owner's restaurant. I think it's some kind of unwritten Chinese restaurant owner code. I guess I'll never know the code, seeing as the chances of me owning a restaurant anytime soon are very slim. It also helps if I was actually Chinese.

In a related story, a High Court judge in London has ruled that a widow's 1994 will leaving $21 million dollars to the husband and wife owners of a Chinese restaurant northeast of London was legal. Which brings us to tonight's quick:

BALLZ OF STE-

Who's got a pair of grapefruits today? The five nephews and nieces of the $21 million dollar widow. They claimed their aunt suffered from dementia and wanted the will to be declared invalid and asked the judge to give the inheritance to them. The judge, however, accepted the restaurateurs' evidence that after death of the woman's husband and son, she became like a family member to the couple. They even went on holidays together and got together frequently at th restaurant and at the woman's apartment.

I dunno, maybe if the nephews and nieces spent more time with the woman, they might have been written into the will too; however, they had the walnuts to demand the will was invalid AND claim their aunt was mentally instable. The five nephews and nieces of the $21 million dollar widow, you all have some Ballz of Ste-

The Following Takes Place In Jail

News these days are always really depressing. Take today for example. A brief glance at the CTV.ca homepage today gives you the following headlines:

Mall shooter likely hid rifle under clothes: police
T.O. councilor wants army to battle gang violence
Parcel bomb blast kills one in Paris: report
Ceremony marks 18th anniversary of Mtl. Massacre
Guantanamo court hears U.S. soldier's testimony
Manslaughter charge to be laid in rugby death
Sutherland starts his 48-day jail term

Yeah! That's right. JACK BAUER'S IN FUCKING JAIL! Don't worry though, I've seen this episode before. The president will pardon him of all crimes. Wait, you say the "Chinese" have him? I've seen this one too. The president will make a deal with their government and Jack Bauer will be back on American soil in no time saving the world from everything. The ensuing mayhem is pretty mundane though, a lot of "I've seen Jack Bauer do this before." Probably the worst season of 24; surprising, following their Emmy award winning 5th season.

I smell a "Free Bauer" campaign coming on.

Totally Fucked

I read somewhere recently that a young chimpanzee named Ayumu beat a dozen college kids in a memory experimentation. A series of foreign numerals were shown to both the chimp and the students in different margins of time to test their memory. Researchers found that when the numerals were shown for a smaller and smaller margin of time, the chimps would prove better at memorizing them while the students had a worse success rate.

Do the scientists know what subjects they got for this experiment?! COLLEGE STUDENTS. Last time I checked, college students were big on the drinking. And the use of drugs. Many of them mind-altering. CONGRATULATIONS SCIENTISTS. You've proved nothing. Chimps aren't better at memory than humans, the chimps just don't party down. Last time I checked you can't grow something in the outdoors that will make you... oh wait yes you can.

Since these scientists want some recognition, maybe they should send their findings to schools. No matter what your prof or teacher tells you, exams are NOT how well you can "synthesize" what you've learned over the past semester. Face it. It's pure memorization. Since we students OBVIOUSLY aren't good at memorizing things (we were beat by a fucking chimpanzee for crying out loud), it's time for the exams to be a bit more lenient. More open book exams! More group exams! Stuff where we don't actually have to memorize anything and instead hone what the school system regards as the second most important skill known to the human race: essay writing.

Quick recap. In the school system you are to 1) be very good at memorization and 2) be very good at writing essays otherwise you 1) fail and 2) can't write an essay. Oh the shame you'll bring to your family.