A Christmas Message

(Because I'm lazy and technically still on hiatus, I'm going to repost my Christmas Day blog from last year with a few updated jokes and references and some revision. Hope you enjoy it. Again.)

It's Christmas time again and what do I do? The same thing I do every holiday or on any day with some significance: write a late-night blog. I just can't bring myself to write in the day time, partially because there are just so many more important things to do in the day (things such as... okay, there really is nothing important to do during the day time. I was just trying to set up my next point as to why I usually write late at night but I'm doing a piss-poor job at that because I'm being upfront with you, the loyal blog reader) but mostly because night writing brings out the words in all of us; the words that are too terrible for the day time and not quite ready for primetime. You know the ones! You've seen them on PerezHilton.com and heard them (although, not directly) from the mouth of Miss Teen South Carolina. Words that I don't wanna repeat for fear of having to apologize on the air.

Christmas Day is and was never really big in our household. Everyone always knows what they are getting and the decorations are always just a few lights, a few wrap-around evergreen strings, and maybe a mini-tree. The presents never come out at night, always when everyone is awake so suffice to say (*HUGE SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS, SKIP AHEAD. I don't want to ruin your Christmas and all the presents that the really real Santa brings. END OF HUGE SPOILER ALERT*) my parents never pushed the fabrication that is Santa on my sister and I. I was thinking to myself today whether or not I should do that to my kids. I think I won't because I don't want to see his or her heart break when he or she finds out there is no Santa and that it was all a lie, just like (*MORE HUGE SPOILERS*) the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, or Britney Spears is a good mother.

Even if Christmas is big at your house, I don't know what people do on this day other then "spend time with family" and "have a good honkin' meal." After the presents are unwrapped (or if they weren't wrapped to begin with), the day kind of always feels just like any other day except that the stores are closed and television programming really sucks (it's either re-runs or some ill-conceived made-for-TV movie about something that goes horrible wrong at Christmas time but eventually works itself out). Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking Christmas. I love the break you get off of whatever you're doing and the excuse it gives you for giving and receiving presents. I mean what other time of the year do you get to see the disappointed faces of your friends and family when you give them the High School Musical 2 DVD Board Game!? Okay, maybe their birthday, but you don't get to see the disappointed faces of everyone that's gathered in the room when you give them ALL the High School Musical 2 DVD Board Game at the same time! It's the thought that counts.

What other time of the year do you get the brave ridiculous line-ups at stores before AND after Christmas day? What other time of the year do you get to feel really bad for not having someone to spoon with? What other time of the year do the Porn shops close and you can't rent The Da Vinci Load or Saving Ryan's Privates? Okay, those are knocks against Christmas. I promised myself and Baby Jesus I wouldn't diss Christmas because Baby Jesus' posse is huge, and his street cred is through the roof. That gives me a great idea. If Christians are trying to reach out to youth, they should appeal to youths with hip hop. I mean, who wouldn't like some "DA DEVIL IZ 4 LEWSERS" bling, a big portrait of Jesus on a oversized black t-shirt, or some really cool God logo on a baseball cap (a la the New York Yankees, etc). Just think of all the people who think that Tupac's "resurrection" was "illin'." If you told them that Tupac actually "posed" off of Jesus, you'll get some automatic converts.

Okay, I went off the rails with that tangent. Where was I? Oh yes, Porn. That gives me another great idea. Christianity should use Porn to try and convert people! Think about it, using the biggest industry in the world to get your message out. It's a win-win situation. Catholic School Girls Gone Wild should do it.

I have a zit or... something on my forehead. I hate things that aren't normally apart of my body, they creep/frustrate me out. What does this have to do with Christmas you say? Nothing at all. I should have ended my blog with that last paragraph because it was funnier. I don't know why I kept going. This anecdote has nothing to do with anything that was written in this blog or have any relation to the holidays. It's just full disclosure in keeping with the tradition of Festivus. Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to watch Hannah Montana - Life's What You Make It on DVD. Ahh. Just what I asked for.

Car Crash

The following is former CTV news personality Ravi Baichwal, now working in Chicago at ABC, after a car crashes through the studio during a live newscast:

Hi Atus!

As you can see, I haven't written in a few days including the much hyped age-old question and answer I promised a few days back. The past few days has been a whirlwind of bus rides, fancy meals in far away cities, fancy meals in near away places, fancy deserts, Christmas shopping, study groups, movie screenings, finding out the movie screening you were supposed to go to is full and you have to see another movie, study groups (with a light emphasis on "study"), "studying," apartment hopping, parties, and many different people. This type of behavior doesn't look to be letting up in the next little while so I'm going to take a break from this daily forum I call my journal. I could make it seem really cool and say my blog's going dark in support my fellow writer's as they continue striking for a fair deal... Anyways, in a week or so I'll be back before you know it and we'll be able to share laughs and stories and catch up on everything we've missed.

Teaser

I have found the answer to an age-old question. More on the question and my answer tomorrow.

That's All Folks

I love this Larry O'Brien story that's developing. It's the stuff political satirists live for. In case you don't read news regarding local politics (you're probably not alone. Local politics is pretty boring), an eight month investigation was just wrapped up by the RCMP looking into allegations that O'Brien bribed another candidate in the mayoral race to drop out promising the guy $30 000 and an appointment to a well-paying job. Charges are expected Monday against O'Brien all but signaling there is enough evidence to prove that the allegations were true.

Who bribes people in a mayoral race!? Where are we, Salem!? I knew this guy many people call "Lex Luther" was bad from the start. Something about his bald, scary head and it wasn't because he looked like Lex Luther. No... it was something...

Ahh. Yes. That's it.

Well Mr. O'Brien, you'd best let things be because if I remember correctly, Elmer Fudd always looses in those things against those wascaly wabbits.

Tonight's Special: Ballz

A blow to underaged license scratchers everywhere:

Ontario introduces new secure driver's license

Sorry all you undeRAGERS. I guess you're gonna have to continue... getting me to buy all your alcohol. FUCK. I never win.

In other news, I saw a Chinese restaurant owner placing bets with his bookie tonight in the owner's restaurant. I think it's some kind of unwritten Chinese restaurant owner code. I guess I'll never know the code, seeing as the chances of me owning a restaurant anytime soon are very slim. It also helps if I was actually Chinese.

In a related story, a High Court judge in London has ruled that a widow's 1994 will leaving $21 million dollars to the husband and wife owners of a Chinese restaurant northeast of London was legal. Which brings us to tonight's quick:

BALLZ OF STE-

Who's got a pair of grapefruits today? The five nephews and nieces of the $21 million dollar widow. They claimed their aunt suffered from dementia and wanted the will to be declared invalid and asked the judge to give the inheritance to them. The judge, however, accepted the restaurateurs' evidence that after death of the woman's husband and son, she became like a family member to the couple. They even went on holidays together and got together frequently at th restaurant and at the woman's apartment.

I dunno, maybe if the nephews and nieces spent more time with the woman, they might have been written into the will too; however, they had the walnuts to demand the will was invalid AND claim their aunt was mentally instable. The five nephews and nieces of the $21 million dollar widow, you all have some Ballz of Ste-

The Following Takes Place In Jail

News these days are always really depressing. Take today for example. A brief glance at the CTV.ca homepage today gives you the following headlines:

Mall shooter likely hid rifle under clothes: police
T.O. councilor wants army to battle gang violence
Parcel bomb blast kills one in Paris: report
Ceremony marks 18th anniversary of Mtl. Massacre
Guantanamo court hears U.S. soldier's testimony
Manslaughter charge to be laid in rugby death
Sutherland starts his 48-day jail term

Yeah! That's right. JACK BAUER'S IN FUCKING JAIL! Don't worry though, I've seen this episode before. The president will pardon him of all crimes. Wait, you say the "Chinese" have him? I've seen this one too. The president will make a deal with their government and Jack Bauer will be back on American soil in no time saving the world from everything. The ensuing mayhem is pretty mundane though, a lot of "I've seen Jack Bauer do this before." Probably the worst season of 24; surprising, following their Emmy award winning 5th season.

I smell a "Free Bauer" campaign coming on.

Totally Fucked

I read somewhere recently that a young chimpanzee named Ayumu beat a dozen college kids in a memory experimentation. A series of foreign numerals were shown to both the chimp and the students in different margins of time to test their memory. Researchers found that when the numerals were shown for a smaller and smaller margin of time, the chimps would prove better at memorizing them while the students had a worse success rate.

Do the scientists know what subjects they got for this experiment?! COLLEGE STUDENTS. Last time I checked, college students were big on the drinking. And the use of drugs. Many of them mind-altering. CONGRATULATIONS SCIENTISTS. You've proved nothing. Chimps aren't better at memory than humans, the chimps just don't party down. Last time I checked you can't grow something in the outdoors that will make you... oh wait yes you can.

Since these scientists want some recognition, maybe they should send their findings to schools. No matter what your prof or teacher tells you, exams are NOT how well you can "synthesize" what you've learned over the past semester. Face it. It's pure memorization. Since we students OBVIOUSLY aren't good at memorizing things (we were beat by a fucking chimpanzee for crying out loud), it's time for the exams to be a bit more lenient. More open book exams! More group exams! Stuff where we don't actually have to memorize anything and instead hone what the school system regards as the second most important skill known to the human race: essay writing.

Quick recap. In the school system you are to 1) be very good at memorization and 2) be very good at writing essays otherwise you 1) fail and 2) can't write an essay. Oh the shame you'll bring to your family.

Don't Tase Me Bro

Inspired by the plethora of taser incidents lately, many of them unnecessary (it's quickly becoming the weapon of choice for law-enforcement agencies worldwide. The NHL had it right when they implemented the shootout...), I have decided to start a new segment where we examine incidents involving tasers. Here is:

DON'T TASE ME BRO (in case you don't get that reference, go here)

Over the weekend, a ballsy (Ballzy of Steel) 10-year-old Charlotte, NC., was arrested after leading local police on a four-mile car chase and running into three police cars (the kid doesn't have a license, give his driving a break). Not knowing he was 10-years-old and in need of some serious driving lessons, an officer fired his taser gun. Only one of the two prongs made contact with the kid (apparently both prongs need to make contact in order to shock a person) and he continued his rampage. A Grand Theft Auto: Trike City if you will.

The child was eventually apprehended and transported to the hospital with life-threatening injuries. He was also charged with careless and wreckless driving, aggravated assault, and (obviously) driving without a license. You have to admit, this kid's got style. He's already got a rap sheet some convicts would KILL for and he's only 10!

Since there's a writer's strike going on, and the last time a writer's strike happened Cops and America's Most Wanted were born, I propose that this kid get his own show; at the least, let him be part of Cops: Kid Chasers and America's Most Wanted Kids. The world's crazy for shows with kids already (Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader and all of its' country-specified spinoffs), why don't we just up the ante: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader Serial Killer? If you wind up dead, you're not! Easy as murder pie!

Silence Is Golden

Someone once said "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." What happens if I have nothing to say at all? I write a lame blog entry.

Here's to tomorrow where I hope I'll have something to say.