That's All Folks

I love this Larry O'Brien story that's developing. It's the stuff political satirists live for. In case you don't read news regarding local politics (you're probably not alone. Local politics is pretty boring), an eight month investigation was just wrapped up by the RCMP looking into allegations that O'Brien bribed another candidate in the mayoral race to drop out promising the guy $30 000 and an appointment to a well-paying job. Charges are expected Monday against O'Brien all but signaling there is enough evidence to prove that the allegations were true.

Who bribes people in a mayoral race!? Where are we, Salem!? I knew this guy many people call "Lex Luther" was bad from the start. Something about his bald, scary head and it wasn't because he looked like Lex Luther. No... it was something...

Ahh. Yes. That's it.

Well Mr. O'Brien, you'd best let things be because if I remember correctly, Elmer Fudd always looses in those things against those wascaly wabbits.

Tonight's Special: Ballz

A blow to underaged license scratchers everywhere:

Ontario introduces new secure driver's license

Sorry all you undeRAGERS. I guess you're gonna have to continue... getting me to buy all your alcohol. FUCK. I never win.

In other news, I saw a Chinese restaurant owner placing bets with his bookie tonight in the owner's restaurant. I think it's some kind of unwritten Chinese restaurant owner code. I guess I'll never know the code, seeing as the chances of me owning a restaurant anytime soon are very slim. It also helps if I was actually Chinese.

In a related story, a High Court judge in London has ruled that a widow's 1994 will leaving $21 million dollars to the husband and wife owners of a Chinese restaurant northeast of London was legal. Which brings us to tonight's quick:

BALLZ OF STE-

Who's got a pair of grapefruits today? The five nephews and nieces of the $21 million dollar widow. They claimed their aunt suffered from dementia and wanted the will to be declared invalid and asked the judge to give the inheritance to them. The judge, however, accepted the restaurateurs' evidence that after death of the woman's husband and son, she became like a family member to the couple. They even went on holidays together and got together frequently at th restaurant and at the woman's apartment.

I dunno, maybe if the nephews and nieces spent more time with the woman, they might have been written into the will too; however, they had the walnuts to demand the will was invalid AND claim their aunt was mentally instable. The five nephews and nieces of the $21 million dollar widow, you all have some Ballz of Ste-

The Following Takes Place In Jail

News these days are always really depressing. Take today for example. A brief glance at the CTV.ca homepage today gives you the following headlines:

Mall shooter likely hid rifle under clothes: police
T.O. councilor wants army to battle gang violence
Parcel bomb blast kills one in Paris: report
Ceremony marks 18th anniversary of Mtl. Massacre
Guantanamo court hears U.S. soldier's testimony
Manslaughter charge to be laid in rugby death
Sutherland starts his 48-day jail term

Yeah! That's right. JACK BAUER'S IN FUCKING JAIL! Don't worry though, I've seen this episode before. The president will pardon him of all crimes. Wait, you say the "Chinese" have him? I've seen this one too. The president will make a deal with their government and Jack Bauer will be back on American soil in no time saving the world from everything. The ensuing mayhem is pretty mundane though, a lot of "I've seen Jack Bauer do this before." Probably the worst season of 24; surprising, following their Emmy award winning 5th season.

I smell a "Free Bauer" campaign coming on.

Totally Fucked

I read somewhere recently that a young chimpanzee named Ayumu beat a dozen college kids in a memory experimentation. A series of foreign numerals were shown to both the chimp and the students in different margins of time to test their memory. Researchers found that when the numerals were shown for a smaller and smaller margin of time, the chimps would prove better at memorizing them while the students had a worse success rate.

Do the scientists know what subjects they got for this experiment?! COLLEGE STUDENTS. Last time I checked, college students were big on the drinking. And the use of drugs. Many of them mind-altering. CONGRATULATIONS SCIENTISTS. You've proved nothing. Chimps aren't better at memory than humans, the chimps just don't party down. Last time I checked you can't grow something in the outdoors that will make you... oh wait yes you can.

Since these scientists want some recognition, maybe they should send their findings to schools. No matter what your prof or teacher tells you, exams are NOT how well you can "synthesize" what you've learned over the past semester. Face it. It's pure memorization. Since we students OBVIOUSLY aren't good at memorizing things (we were beat by a fucking chimpanzee for crying out loud), it's time for the exams to be a bit more lenient. More open book exams! More group exams! Stuff where we don't actually have to memorize anything and instead hone what the school system regards as the second most important skill known to the human race: essay writing.

Quick recap. In the school system you are to 1) be very good at memorization and 2) be very good at writing essays otherwise you 1) fail and 2) can't write an essay. Oh the shame you'll bring to your family.

Don't Tase Me Bro

Inspired by the plethora of taser incidents lately, many of them unnecessary (it's quickly becoming the weapon of choice for law-enforcement agencies worldwide. The NHL had it right when they implemented the shootout...), I have decided to start a new segment where we examine incidents involving tasers. Here is:

DON'T TASE ME BRO (in case you don't get that reference, go here)

Over the weekend, a ballsy (Ballzy of Steel) 10-year-old Charlotte, NC., was arrested after leading local police on a four-mile car chase and running into three police cars (the kid doesn't have a license, give his driving a break). Not knowing he was 10-years-old and in need of some serious driving lessons, an officer fired his taser gun. Only one of the two prongs made contact with the kid (apparently both prongs need to make contact in order to shock a person) and he continued his rampage. A Grand Theft Auto: Trike City if you will.

The child was eventually apprehended and transported to the hospital with life-threatening injuries. He was also charged with careless and wreckless driving, aggravated assault, and (obviously) driving without a license. You have to admit, this kid's got style. He's already got a rap sheet some convicts would KILL for and he's only 10!

Since there's a writer's strike going on, and the last time a writer's strike happened Cops and America's Most Wanted were born, I propose that this kid get his own show; at the least, let him be part of Cops: Kid Chasers and America's Most Wanted Kids. The world's crazy for shows with kids already (Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader and all of its' country-specified spinoffs), why don't we just up the ante: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader Serial Killer? If you wind up dead, you're not! Easy as murder pie!

Silence Is Golden

Someone once said "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." What happens if I have nothing to say at all? I write a lame blog entry.

Here's to tomorrow where I hope I'll have something to say.