Today is Black Friday in the States, the equivalent to our Canadian Boxing Day. The day after Thanksgiving is typically the biggest shopping day of the year south of the border; a day where shoppers line-up the night before, the wait at the Canada-US border stretches for miles, and store clerks are trampled by parents eager to pick up Hannah Montana merchandise at can't be beat prices. It's the most wonderful time of the year.
To combat "Black Friday," someone stared "Buy Nothing Day," asking consumers to resist the really cheap Lazy-Boy or the really, really cheap flat screen TV, and instead just buy it the day after. Okay, so the 'day after' thing isn't the intended design of Buy Nothing Day, but an unfortunate occurrence, especially for the people pushing Buy Nothing Day and to all 3 people that bought nothing. Probably because they forgot to set their alarm to go off so they could be in line for the 5am doorcrasher at Best Buy.
To combat "Buy Nothing Day," someone started "The Three Day Weekend Sale," another blow to the Buy Nothing Day camp. These guys just can't catch a break. No matter the attempt, the big companies with their bigger sales just suck you in. That is why I'm proposing a new day: Buy Everything Day. You see, if you bought everything, you would have no more money to buy anything else. Then, no matter the sale or bargain deal on Hannah Montana t-shirts and lunch boxes, you wouldn't be able to afford it. The Buy Nothing Day people are happy, the companies are happy, it's a win-win situation! NOBEL PRIZE PLEASE.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Ballz Of Steel
Sometimes, people are courageous. Sometimes people are brave. Other times, they just have...
BALLZ OF STEEL (the 'Z' stands for 'zoo,' a place where animals are found, and some animals have massive balls)
Who's got a pair of impenetrable testes today? 30-year-old Ottawa resident, and mother of two, Marlena Sarazin. Ms. Sarazin is claiming police brutality and asking for witnesses to come forward and shed some light after Ottawa Police tasered her with 50 000 volts of electricity early Saturday morning. She can't remember the incident.
The police can. An officer attempted to pull over a suspected impaired driver in the Byward Market but the driver, Ms. Sarazin, fled. She ran over the officer's foot with her car and proceeded to sideswipe a taxi cab and another police cruiser before stopping a couple blocks away. Resisting arrest, four officers were forced to smash her car window and taser her in order to subdue her. The next thing Ms. Sarazin remembers is police warning her they would taser her again if she didn't calm down. Wow. She sure has a selective memory. I guess that's what 50 000 volts of electricity would do. Or alcohol. It's probably the alcohol.
Ms. Sarazin (did I mention she's a mother of two?) feels lucky to be alive after reading reports of how a guy out west just died after being tasered adding she doesn't feel she deserved to be tasered. It takes a giant pair to make a statement like that, especially after she was charged with impaired driving, dangerous driving, failing to remain at the scene of a crime, failing to stop for police, and resisting arrest.
"I don't have a criminal record or anything. I'm not a bad person." Another big-balled statement from our heroin, especially since she was also charged with driving with a suspended license.
Marlena Sarazin, mother of two, you have some Ballz of Steel. You also make Britney look like a good mom.
BALLZ OF STEEL (the 'Z' stands for 'zoo,' a place where animals are found, and some animals have massive balls)
Who's got a pair of impenetrable testes today? 30-year-old Ottawa resident, and mother of two, Marlena Sarazin. Ms. Sarazin is claiming police brutality and asking for witnesses to come forward and shed some light after Ottawa Police tasered her with 50 000 volts of electricity early Saturday morning. She can't remember the incident.
The police can. An officer attempted to pull over a suspected impaired driver in the Byward Market but the driver, Ms. Sarazin, fled. She ran over the officer's foot with her car and proceeded to sideswipe a taxi cab and another police cruiser before stopping a couple blocks away. Resisting arrest, four officers were forced to smash her car window and taser her in order to subdue her. The next thing Ms. Sarazin remembers is police warning her they would taser her again if she didn't calm down. Wow. She sure has a selective memory. I guess that's what 50 000 volts of electricity would do. Or alcohol. It's probably the alcohol.
Ms. Sarazin (did I mention she's a mother of two?) feels lucky to be alive after reading reports of how a guy out west just died after being tasered adding she doesn't feel she deserved to be tasered. It takes a giant pair to make a statement like that, especially after she was charged with impaired driving, dangerous driving, failing to remain at the scene of a crime, failing to stop for police, and resisting arrest.
"I don't have a criminal record or anything. I'm not a bad person." Another big-balled statement from our heroin, especially since she was also charged with driving with a suspended license.
Marlena Sarazin, mother of two, you have some Ballz of Steel. You also make Britney look like a good mom.
Who's On Strike Now
With the Writer's Guild of America strike, the stage hand's strike on Broadway, and the massive transit strike in Paris, France taking up all the news headlines, it got me thinking about who else is currently on strike right now. I decided to find out in a new segment I'm calling:
WHO'S ON STRIKE NOW
CUPE support works at the University of Saskatchewan. That's right. Saskatchewan has a university.
The workers have been on strike for 18 days and today, more than 100 students (of what is presumably a 100 student population) protested against the strike and the disruption to their learning. For those of you keeping score at home, the students went on strike and the on strike support workers. Classes are still running as normal so I don't know what the fuss is about. Loreena Frederick, a vet med student, told the crowd the the Veterinary Medical Hospital is now closed and is no longer taking in sick animals. The closure of the hospital has been called "collateral damage." OH won't somebody think of the animals!
WHO'S ON STRIKE NOW
CUPE support works at the University of Saskatchewan. That's right. Saskatchewan has a university.
The workers have been on strike for 18 days and today, more than 100 students (of what is presumably a 100 student population) protested against the strike and the disruption to their learning. For those of you keeping score at home, the students went on strike and the on strike support workers. Classes are still running as normal so I don't know what the fuss is about. Loreena Frederick, a vet med student, told the crowd the the Veterinary Medical Hospital is now closed and is no longer taking in sick animals. The closure of the hospital has been called "collateral damage." OH won't somebody think of the animals!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Jesus Walks
If I ever get caught committing a crime, someone call me his lawyer, her lawyer, or her lawyer.
They must have a stack of Monopoly Get Out Of Jail Free Cards!
They must have a stack of Monopoly Get Out Of Jail Free Cards!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
FOUR!
Munchies Snack Mix is the greatest combination of four foods ever. I mean, there's equal parts of Rold Gold pretzels, Cheetos cheezies, SunChips, and Doritos. Really, what's not to love. The snack mix got me thinking, what would be other great combinations of four things that legitimately fit together? I set out to find the greatest combinations in this first installment of Enoch Investigations Inc. Company Trademark.
1) Greasy Things - Café Nostalgica Fries, The Works Onion Rings, Chicken McNuggets, Dunn's Homefires (with the seasoning on top. Sometime the guy doesn't put it on and they just taste... blah).
2) Baked Goods - Krispy Kream Doughnuts, Pie (anykind), Bevertails, Cinnabons
3) Meats - Sausages, Meatballs, Lambchops, Gyro/Donair
4) Candy - Lindor whatever (times four)
5) UFC No Holds Barred Four Person Match - Royce Gracie, Ken Shamrock, Dan Severn, Randy Corture
Okay. So I cheated and went to Wikipedia to look up the last one. My original idea for this post was to talk about the Ultimate Fighting Championship after my brief introduction to it last night. What a simple, yet barbaric idea. Two guys go into a cage and beat the hell out of each other for three rounds of 15 minutes with the winner winning a whole bunch of money and the loser ending up dead, or nearly dead. It also makes the WWE (I think that's what they're called right now) look like a bunch of kids who are "managing" the team instead of making the cut. I know how they feel.
1) Greasy Things - Café Nostalgica Fries, The Works Onion Rings, Chicken McNuggets, Dunn's Homefires (with the seasoning on top. Sometime the guy doesn't put it on and they just taste... blah).
2) Baked Goods - Krispy Kream Doughnuts, Pie (anykind), Bevertails, Cinnabons
3) Meats - Sausages, Meatballs, Lambchops, Gyro/Donair
4) Candy - Lindor whatever (times four)
5) UFC No Holds Barred Four Person Match - Royce Gracie, Ken Shamrock, Dan Severn, Randy Corture
Okay. So I cheated and went to Wikipedia to look up the last one. My original idea for this post was to talk about the Ultimate Fighting Championship after my brief introduction to it last night. What a simple, yet barbaric idea. Two guys go into a cage and beat the hell out of each other for three rounds of 15 minutes with the winner winning a whole bunch of money and the loser ending up dead, or nearly dead. It also makes the WWE (I think that's what they're called right now) look like a bunch of kids who are "managing" the team instead of making the cut. I know how they feel.
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