Don't Tase Me Bro (and Other Random Thoughts)

In this week's truncated edition of Don't Tase Me Bro (I'm still on hiatus), Ottawa Police were called last Thursday to Rideau High School after a 17-year-old grade 11 student entered traffic on St. Laurent Boulevard and called for cars to run him over because he was upset over a breakup with his girlfriend. According to the teen, he put his hands up when police approached him and he was out of traffic when police tased him (while he most likely shouted "DON'T TASE ME BRO!").

First off, I'm neither defending the kid or the police. Both parties in this case are in the wrong in some way. The kid for one needs some friends; don't run to strangers in fast moving cars on a busy street attempting to tell them your girlfriend broke up with you! That's just not smart. Even if they weren't in cars, they wouldn't listen to you. Also, guys who threaten to kill themselves just because their girlfriends break up with them: SO cliché. What ever happened to writing emo songs to try and win her back? Better yet, just stop bothering her and let her move on. Preferably to me.

The police didn't handle the situation any better. If what this kid says is true, the police in this instance (and in many previous instances) got a little taser happy. What ever happened to good ole' police brutality? Undue force is the way to go people! My favourite quote to come out of this whole thing has to be from Staff Sgt. Peter Couillard who says that if the Ottawa police issued a news release every time a Taser was used, "we'd be writing them 10 times a day." TEN TIMES A DAY!? That must be comforting to the drunks, crazy hobos, and erratic boyfriends of the world.

On an unrelated note, today is Boxing Day. a day where if your phobia is large crowds, you might wanna stay in and keep playing that Guitar Hero III you got yesterday. Is it just me or do stores open earlier and earlier each year? Last year I could have sworn that the "line up before a certain time and have a chance to win a $500 gift card from Best Buy" was at 6:00AM. This year? 5:30AM. Luckily for you, I hacked the Best Buy site and found the advertisement for next year's line up and win contest.

That's right. They're gonna make them line up on the 22nd, at 3:30AM. That's just not right.

See you in Chicago.

A Christmas Message

(Because I'm lazy and technically still on hiatus, I'm going to repost my Christmas Day blog from last year with a few updated jokes and references and some revision. Hope you enjoy it. Again.)

It's Christmas time again and what do I do? The same thing I do every holiday or on any day with some significance: write a late-night blog. I just can't bring myself to write in the day time, partially because there are just so many more important things to do in the day (things such as... okay, there really is nothing important to do during the day time. I was just trying to set up my next point as to why I usually write late at night but I'm doing a piss-poor job at that because I'm being upfront with you, the loyal blog reader) but mostly because night writing brings out the words in all of us; the words that are too terrible for the day time and not quite ready for primetime. You know the ones! You've seen them on PerezHilton.com and heard them (although, not directly) from the mouth of Miss Teen South Carolina. Words that I don't wanna repeat for fear of having to apologize on the air.

Christmas Day is and was never really big in our household. Everyone always knows what they are getting and the decorations are always just a few lights, a few wrap-around evergreen strings, and maybe a mini-tree. The presents never come out at night, always when everyone is awake so suffice to say (*HUGE SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS, SKIP AHEAD. I don't want to ruin your Christmas and all the presents that the really real Santa brings. END OF HUGE SPOILER ALERT*) my parents never pushed the fabrication that is Santa on my sister and I. I was thinking to myself today whether or not I should do that to my kids. I think I won't because I don't want to see his or her heart break when he or she finds out there is no Santa and that it was all a lie, just like (*MORE HUGE SPOILERS*) the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, or Britney Spears is a good mother.

Even if Christmas is big at your house, I don't know what people do on this day other then "spend time with family" and "have a good honkin' meal." After the presents are unwrapped (or if they weren't wrapped to begin with), the day kind of always feels just like any other day except that the stores are closed and television programming really sucks (it's either re-runs or some ill-conceived made-for-TV movie about something that goes horrible wrong at Christmas time but eventually works itself out). Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking Christmas. I love the break you get off of whatever you're doing and the excuse it gives you for giving and receiving presents. I mean what other time of the year do you get to see the disappointed faces of your friends and family when you give them the High School Musical 2 DVD Board Game!? Okay, maybe their birthday, but you don't get to see the disappointed faces of everyone that's gathered in the room when you give them ALL the High School Musical 2 DVD Board Game at the same time! It's the thought that counts.

What other time of the year do you get the brave ridiculous line-ups at stores before AND after Christmas day? What other time of the year do you get to feel really bad for not having someone to spoon with? What other time of the year do the Porn shops close and you can't rent The Da Vinci Load or Saving Ryan's Privates? Okay, those are knocks against Christmas. I promised myself and Baby Jesus I wouldn't diss Christmas because Baby Jesus' posse is huge, and his street cred is through the roof. That gives me a great idea. If Christians are trying to reach out to youth, they should appeal to youths with hip hop. I mean, who wouldn't like some "DA DEVIL IZ 4 LEWSERS" bling, a big portrait of Jesus on a oversized black t-shirt, or some really cool God logo on a baseball cap (a la the New York Yankees, etc). Just think of all the people who think that Tupac's "resurrection" was "illin'." If you told them that Tupac actually "posed" off of Jesus, you'll get some automatic converts.

Okay, I went off the rails with that tangent. Where was I? Oh yes, Porn. That gives me another great idea. Christianity should use Porn to try and convert people! Think about it, using the biggest industry in the world to get your message out. It's a win-win situation. Catholic School Girls Gone Wild should do it.

I have a zit or... something on my forehead. I hate things that aren't normally apart of my body, they creep/frustrate me out. What does this have to do with Christmas you say? Nothing at all. I should have ended my blog with that last paragraph because it was funnier. I don't know why I kept going. This anecdote has nothing to do with anything that was written in this blog or have any relation to the holidays. It's just full disclosure in keeping with the tradition of Festivus. Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to watch Hannah Montana - Life's What You Make It on DVD. Ahh. Just what I asked for.

Car Crash

The following is former CTV news personality Ravi Baichwal, now working in Chicago at ABC, after a car crashes through the studio during a live newscast: