Don't Tase Me Bro (and Other Random Thoughts)

In this week's truncated edition of Don't Tase Me Bro (I'm still on hiatus), Ottawa Police were called last Thursday to Rideau High School after a 17-year-old grade 11 student entered traffic on St. Laurent Boulevard and called for cars to run him over because he was upset over a breakup with his girlfriend. According to the teen, he put his hands up when police approached him and he was out of traffic when police tased him (while he most likely shouted "DON'T TASE ME BRO!").

First off, I'm neither defending the kid or the police. Both parties in this case are in the wrong in some way. The kid for one needs some friends; don't run to strangers in fast moving cars on a busy street attempting to tell them your girlfriend broke up with you! That's just not smart. Even if they weren't in cars, they wouldn't listen to you. Also, guys who threaten to kill themselves just because their girlfriends break up with them: SO cliché. What ever happened to writing emo songs to try and win her back? Better yet, just stop bothering her and let her move on. Preferably to me.

The police didn't handle the situation any better. If what this kid says is true, the police in this instance (and in many previous instances) got a little taser happy. What ever happened to good ole' police brutality? Undue force is the way to go people! My favourite quote to come out of this whole thing has to be from Staff Sgt. Peter Couillard who says that if the Ottawa police issued a news release every time a Taser was used, "we'd be writing them 10 times a day." TEN TIMES A DAY!? That must be comforting to the drunks, crazy hobos, and erratic boyfriends of the world.

On an unrelated note, today is Boxing Day. a day where if your phobia is large crowds, you might wanna stay in and keep playing that Guitar Hero III you got yesterday. Is it just me or do stores open earlier and earlier each year? Last year I could have sworn that the "line up before a certain time and have a chance to win a $500 gift card from Best Buy" was at 6:00AM. This year? 5:30AM. Luckily for you, I hacked the Best Buy site and found the advertisement for next year's line up and win contest.

That's right. They're gonna make them line up on the 22nd, at 3:30AM. That's just not right.

See you in Chicago.

A Christmas Message

(Because I'm lazy and technically still on hiatus, I'm going to repost my Christmas Day blog from last year with a few updated jokes and references and some revision. Hope you enjoy it. Again.)

It's Christmas time again and what do I do? The same thing I do every holiday or on any day with some significance: write a late-night blog. I just can't bring myself to write in the day time, partially because there are just so many more important things to do in the day (things such as... okay, there really is nothing important to do during the day time. I was just trying to set up my next point as to why I usually write late at night but I'm doing a piss-poor job at that because I'm being upfront with you, the loyal blog reader) but mostly because night writing brings out the words in all of us; the words that are too terrible for the day time and not quite ready for primetime. You know the ones! You've seen them on PerezHilton.com and heard them (although, not directly) from the mouth of Miss Teen South Carolina. Words that I don't wanna repeat for fear of having to apologize on the air.

Christmas Day is and was never really big in our household. Everyone always knows what they are getting and the decorations are always just a few lights, a few wrap-around evergreen strings, and maybe a mini-tree. The presents never come out at night, always when everyone is awake so suffice to say (*HUGE SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS, SKIP AHEAD. I don't want to ruin your Christmas and all the presents that the really real Santa brings. END OF HUGE SPOILER ALERT*) my parents never pushed the fabrication that is Santa on my sister and I. I was thinking to myself today whether or not I should do that to my kids. I think I won't because I don't want to see his or her heart break when he or she finds out there is no Santa and that it was all a lie, just like (*MORE HUGE SPOILERS*) the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, or Britney Spears is a good mother.

Even if Christmas is big at your house, I don't know what people do on this day other then "spend time with family" and "have a good honkin' meal." After the presents are unwrapped (or if they weren't wrapped to begin with), the day kind of always feels just like any other day except that the stores are closed and television programming really sucks (it's either re-runs or some ill-conceived made-for-TV movie about something that goes horrible wrong at Christmas time but eventually works itself out). Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking Christmas. I love the break you get off of whatever you're doing and the excuse it gives you for giving and receiving presents. I mean what other time of the year do you get to see the disappointed faces of your friends and family when you give them the High School Musical 2 DVD Board Game!? Okay, maybe their birthday, but you don't get to see the disappointed faces of everyone that's gathered in the room when you give them ALL the High School Musical 2 DVD Board Game at the same time! It's the thought that counts.

What other time of the year do you get the brave ridiculous line-ups at stores before AND after Christmas day? What other time of the year do you get to feel really bad for not having someone to spoon with? What other time of the year do the Porn shops close and you can't rent The Da Vinci Load or Saving Ryan's Privates? Okay, those are knocks against Christmas. I promised myself and Baby Jesus I wouldn't diss Christmas because Baby Jesus' posse is huge, and his street cred is through the roof. That gives me a great idea. If Christians are trying to reach out to youth, they should appeal to youths with hip hop. I mean, who wouldn't like some "DA DEVIL IZ 4 LEWSERS" bling, a big portrait of Jesus on a oversized black t-shirt, or some really cool God logo on a baseball cap (a la the New York Yankees, etc). Just think of all the people who think that Tupac's "resurrection" was "illin'." If you told them that Tupac actually "posed" off of Jesus, you'll get some automatic converts.

Okay, I went off the rails with that tangent. Where was I? Oh yes, Porn. That gives me another great idea. Christianity should use Porn to try and convert people! Think about it, using the biggest industry in the world to get your message out. It's a win-win situation. Catholic School Girls Gone Wild should do it.

I have a zit or... something on my forehead. I hate things that aren't normally apart of my body, they creep/frustrate me out. What does this have to do with Christmas you say? Nothing at all. I should have ended my blog with that last paragraph because it was funnier. I don't know why I kept going. This anecdote has nothing to do with anything that was written in this blog or have any relation to the holidays. It's just full disclosure in keeping with the tradition of Festivus. Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to watch Hannah Montana - Life's What You Make It on DVD. Ahh. Just what I asked for.

Car Crash

The following is former CTV news personality Ravi Baichwal, now working in Chicago at ABC, after a car crashes through the studio during a live newscast:

Hi Atus!

As you can see, I haven't written in a few days including the much hyped age-old question and answer I promised a few days back. The past few days has been a whirlwind of bus rides, fancy meals in far away cities, fancy meals in near away places, fancy deserts, Christmas shopping, study groups, movie screenings, finding out the movie screening you were supposed to go to is full and you have to see another movie, study groups (with a light emphasis on "study"), "studying," apartment hopping, parties, and many different people. This type of behavior doesn't look to be letting up in the next little while so I'm going to take a break from this daily forum I call my journal. I could make it seem really cool and say my blog's going dark in support my fellow writer's as they continue striking for a fair deal... Anyways, in a week or so I'll be back before you know it and we'll be able to share laughs and stories and catch up on everything we've missed.

Teaser

I have found the answer to an age-old question. More on the question and my answer tomorrow.

That's All Folks

I love this Larry O'Brien story that's developing. It's the stuff political satirists live for. In case you don't read news regarding local politics (you're probably not alone. Local politics is pretty boring), an eight month investigation was just wrapped up by the RCMP looking into allegations that O'Brien bribed another candidate in the mayoral race to drop out promising the guy $30 000 and an appointment to a well-paying job. Charges are expected Monday against O'Brien all but signaling there is enough evidence to prove that the allegations were true.

Who bribes people in a mayoral race!? Where are we, Salem!? I knew this guy many people call "Lex Luther" was bad from the start. Something about his bald, scary head and it wasn't because he looked like Lex Luther. No... it was something...

Ahh. Yes. That's it.

Well Mr. O'Brien, you'd best let things be because if I remember correctly, Elmer Fudd always looses in those things against those wascaly wabbits.

Tonight's Special: Ballz

A blow to underaged license scratchers everywhere:

Ontario introduces new secure driver's license

Sorry all you undeRAGERS. I guess you're gonna have to continue... getting me to buy all your alcohol. FUCK. I never win.

In other news, I saw a Chinese restaurant owner placing bets with his bookie tonight in the owner's restaurant. I think it's some kind of unwritten Chinese restaurant owner code. I guess I'll never know the code, seeing as the chances of me owning a restaurant anytime soon are very slim. It also helps if I was actually Chinese.

In a related story, a High Court judge in London has ruled that a widow's 1994 will leaving $21 million dollars to the husband and wife owners of a Chinese restaurant northeast of London was legal. Which brings us to tonight's quick:

BALLZ OF STE-

Who's got a pair of grapefruits today? The five nephews and nieces of the $21 million dollar widow. They claimed their aunt suffered from dementia and wanted the will to be declared invalid and asked the judge to give the inheritance to them. The judge, however, accepted the restaurateurs' evidence that after death of the woman's husband and son, she became like a family member to the couple. They even went on holidays together and got together frequently at th restaurant and at the woman's apartment.

I dunno, maybe if the nephews and nieces spent more time with the woman, they might have been written into the will too; however, they had the walnuts to demand the will was invalid AND claim their aunt was mentally instable. The five nephews and nieces of the $21 million dollar widow, you all have some Ballz of Ste-

The Following Takes Place In Jail

News these days are always really depressing. Take today for example. A brief glance at the CTV.ca homepage today gives you the following headlines:

Mall shooter likely hid rifle under clothes: police
T.O. councilor wants army to battle gang violence
Parcel bomb blast kills one in Paris: report
Ceremony marks 18th anniversary of Mtl. Massacre
Guantanamo court hears U.S. soldier's testimony
Manslaughter charge to be laid in rugby death
Sutherland starts his 48-day jail term

Yeah! That's right. JACK BAUER'S IN FUCKING JAIL! Don't worry though, I've seen this episode before. The president will pardon him of all crimes. Wait, you say the "Chinese" have him? I've seen this one too. The president will make a deal with their government and Jack Bauer will be back on American soil in no time saving the world from everything. The ensuing mayhem is pretty mundane though, a lot of "I've seen Jack Bauer do this before." Probably the worst season of 24; surprising, following their Emmy award winning 5th season.

I smell a "Free Bauer" campaign coming on.

Totally Fucked

I read somewhere recently that a young chimpanzee named Ayumu beat a dozen college kids in a memory experimentation. A series of foreign numerals were shown to both the chimp and the students in different margins of time to test their memory. Researchers found that when the numerals were shown for a smaller and smaller margin of time, the chimps would prove better at memorizing them while the students had a worse success rate.

Do the scientists know what subjects they got for this experiment?! COLLEGE STUDENTS. Last time I checked, college students were big on the drinking. And the use of drugs. Many of them mind-altering. CONGRATULATIONS SCIENTISTS. You've proved nothing. Chimps aren't better at memory than humans, the chimps just don't party down. Last time I checked you can't grow something in the outdoors that will make you... oh wait yes you can.

Since these scientists want some recognition, maybe they should send their findings to schools. No matter what your prof or teacher tells you, exams are NOT how well you can "synthesize" what you've learned over the past semester. Face it. It's pure memorization. Since we students OBVIOUSLY aren't good at memorizing things (we were beat by a fucking chimpanzee for crying out loud), it's time for the exams to be a bit more lenient. More open book exams! More group exams! Stuff where we don't actually have to memorize anything and instead hone what the school system regards as the second most important skill known to the human race: essay writing.

Quick recap. In the school system you are to 1) be very good at memorization and 2) be very good at writing essays otherwise you 1) fail and 2) can't write an essay. Oh the shame you'll bring to your family.

Don't Tase Me Bro

Inspired by the plethora of taser incidents lately, many of them unnecessary (it's quickly becoming the weapon of choice for law-enforcement agencies worldwide. The NHL had it right when they implemented the shootout...), I have decided to start a new segment where we examine incidents involving tasers. Here is:

DON'T TASE ME BRO (in case you don't get that reference, go here)

Over the weekend, a ballsy (Ballzy of Steel) 10-year-old Charlotte, NC., was arrested after leading local police on a four-mile car chase and running into three police cars (the kid doesn't have a license, give his driving a break). Not knowing he was 10-years-old and in need of some serious driving lessons, an officer fired his taser gun. Only one of the two prongs made contact with the kid (apparently both prongs need to make contact in order to shock a person) and he continued his rampage. A Grand Theft Auto: Trike City if you will.

The child was eventually apprehended and transported to the hospital with life-threatening injuries. He was also charged with careless and wreckless driving, aggravated assault, and (obviously) driving without a license. You have to admit, this kid's got style. He's already got a rap sheet some convicts would KILL for and he's only 10!

Since there's a writer's strike going on, and the last time a writer's strike happened Cops and America's Most Wanted were born, I propose that this kid get his own show; at the least, let him be part of Cops: Kid Chasers and America's Most Wanted Kids. The world's crazy for shows with kids already (Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader and all of its' country-specified spinoffs), why don't we just up the ante: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader Serial Killer? If you wind up dead, you're not! Easy as murder pie!

Silence Is Golden

Someone once said "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." What happens if I have nothing to say at all? I write a lame blog entry.

Here's to tomorrow where I hope I'll have something to say.

Last Man Swerving

Click the following to download a .gif file. It's a short little mini-video. If you can't download the thing in the imported notes on Facebook, go to my actual blog site.

I think I laughed for a few minutes when I saw this, I don't really know why.

What I'm Addicted To Now

Hagan Das Mango Sorbet - Zero fat and it's a flavour explosion in your mouth. It's like favour's making a bang bang of happiness in your mouth. The only downside, unless you can find this stuff on sale, they cost $6 a pint.

Dead Like Me - Julie "forced" me to buy the DVD sets. While not as commercially appealing as the creator Brian Fuller's new show Pushing Daisies (which I'm also addicted to now), it's still very good. There's even a new straight-to-DVD movie that was made this past year to be released next summer! AWESOME SUMMER 2008 TIMES!

Female singer-songwriters - Specifically Ingrid Michaelson and A Fine Frenzy. You've heard Ingrid's song "The Way I Am" in Old Navy commercials and Grey's Anatomy and A Fine Frenzy's (aka Alison Sudol) songs in just about every television show in primetime today. Download them because chances are you won't be able to find their album in stores.

Late Night With Conan O'Brien's Insider Blog - Since the strike, the behind the scenes aspect has sorta taken a backseat, but Aaron's still got a great blog. If you're a fan of Conan, he also has some Conan videos too!

Umphrey's McGee - I've been addicted to this band for the past year now. If you look in my recently played playlist, half of the list at any given time is Umphrey's. They play with fire, they're the best musicians at their instrument in the world at this moment, and I'm going to see them play three nights in a row in Chicago for New Years. AWESOME THREE TIMES! Check out their free downloadedable podcasts on their website or their videos on Youtube.

Ballz Of Steel

(The 'Z' stands for Zeus, Greek king of the gods, who has the biggest balls known to earth and the heavens).

Who's got an engrossed pair today? Porn. Well, hackers who are using porn for extortion. A website has been set up where users download of a software for a free three-day trial memberships for "Free Porn." Not any special kind of porn. Just "Free Porn." The idiots who are dumb enough to download this "free access" are met with a code that generates a stream of pop-up windows whether the person is on the internet or not demanding $80 for another 90 days of "Free Porn."

Now these pop-ups are pop-ups with balls. They appear once a day and stay open for ten minutes and appear over any open windows. If you try to close it, move it, minimize it, or re-size it, the pop-ups restore to their original size and position. They re-appear if you shut down your computer. If you don't pay, the site clearly states that you will lose full-use of your computer.

Now, what I don't get is if someone is smart enough to make this website, why settle with such a low price? $80!? I can scam that with your run-of-the-mill PayPal scam. COME ON. If I came up with a virus that spread itself through the number one earner on the internet, I would be RICH. $80? Try $800! In fact, I would create a site called "Free Rich Porn," porn for the rich and wealthy. My "girls" would be decked out in solid gold and diamond encrusted lingerie (of course, only for the first 3-5 minutes of the video. You know, the boring part), while the men will have their Ballz dipped in steel. I know it sounds painful, especially for the dudes, but they'll do whatever I tell them to when they're getting a sizable chunk of the $1 000 000 per person I'm extorting. My virus will threaten to not only take over their computer, but threaten to reveal that they're a member at BallzOfSteel.porn. It's not gay porn, but the rich and wealthy are always concerned with their name connected to something that even sound remotely gay. I'll use that to my advantage.

"Free Porn" site taking only $80 bucks a pop from idiots, you have Ballz of Steel. Now ask for more money you wimps.

Mas Cat Fever

2010 Vancouver Olympics Organizing Committee unveiled three new mascots for the 2010 games today. Among them are Miga, a snowboarding sea-bear, Quatchi, a shy and gentle Sasquatch, and Sumi, an animal guardian spirit. The mascots narrowly beat out Chuck, the beer-chugging hockey-loving moose, Sammy, the dead frozen beaver, and Bushy, the BC marijuana plant.

Vancouver IS in Canada right? Why do these mascots look Asian...

Are The Spice Girls Political?

I re-watched Shut Up and Sing last night, the Dixie Chicks' documentary about when they spoke out against George W. ten days before the invasion of Iraq. It also documents the immediate aftermath of their comment and the making of their follow up album Taking The Long Way. The documentary is really good, although I like it a lot maybe because of my affection for "making-of" videos and three part female country harmonies.

At the time, Natalie Maines said "we're ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas." Ole' W had a sky-high approval rating somewhere near 75%, the government was showing the world their "facts" and satellite photos about "definite" WMDs, and Operation Iraqi Freedom (or whatever they called it) was about to begin. Everyone slammed the Dixie Chicks for making such an un-patriotic statement. Boycotts happened over radio stations that played them, their CDs were burned, death threats were made against them, their number one single and album plummeted in the charts, and protests happened at their concerts. That's right. At a time when a war was about the begin, the biggest protests in America weren't against the war, they were against the Dixie Chicks outside the Bi-Lo Centre in Greenville, South Carolina.

Four years later, ole' W has a sky-low approval rating somewhere around the 25-30% range, most of the members of the government that showed "facts" are now enjoying a healthy severance package, and the Americans government is in a war they can't get out of physically or financially. The Dixie Chicks went in a totally non-country direction (a big F.U. to the people that banned them from the radio). While their ticket sales for their tour suffered (some shows in the States were even canceled), musically the Chicks enjoyed their greatest success ever taking home five Grammy awards for their new album. Oh how four years can change everything.

In 2003, the Dixie Chicks represented free speech. Now they represent a middle finger and an "I told you so" to the current American government.

What does this have to do with anything? Nothing really. I just really like the Dixie Chicks especially the after watching the documentary and seriously listening to their music. Required listening for tonight: "Travelin' Soldier" from Home, any version of "Goodbye Earl" (a live one if you can find one), and "The Long Way Around" from Taking The Long Way. Required watching: Shut Up and Sing (only if you can look past the constant whining from Natalie Maines which she herself has said makes her look really dumb in the movie. My favourite dumb-sounding Natalie line: "can we decide what kinda artists we wanna be right now?").

Whatever I Can Get

I really hate Facebook applications. More than Christmas decorations in November and the fact I'm not allowed to make sweet, sweet love to digital version of Angelina Jolie in Beowulf on 3D IMAX. Actually, it's not that I hate Facebook applications, I just hate the invites to Facebook applications. NO, I don't want to add "Crushes" to see if you have a crush on me, because chances are you don't but I think you have one anyways. And NO, I don't want to beat your score on Jetman, or Pacman, or Suckaman, or whatever game you play because I'm perfectly content with doing nothing on Facebook. Well, nothing other than stalking your crushes and your score on whatever game you play.

Ah. I remember a simpler time in Facebook. A time when the simple layout and ad-free template made it a vast upgrade from the make your own HTML layout and ad-infested template of MySpace. A time when it didn't cost a couple hundred million dollars to own a few percentage of the company. A time when people weren't worried about what they wrote in their profile and instead revealed every single detail about their lives. Now!? I go to a profile to check if a girl's single and under the relationship status... WHAT!? NOTHING LISTED!? Oh well, I guess I'm stuck here wondering "what if" as in "what if your relationship status was listed." I smell a hit song coming out of that last line.

I'm pretty sure that because I wrote this blog on my eternal hate for Facebook applications and their associated invitations, people are just going to spite me and invite me to every single application they own. I'm prepared for that because it shows you read my blog and you hate me enough to annoy me. But since you read my blog, you don't hate me which can only mean one thing: you have a crush on me. Ladies, set your relationship status to single.

Buy Buy Buy

Today is Black Friday in the States, the equivalent to our Canadian Boxing Day. The day after Thanksgiving is typically the biggest shopping day of the year south of the border; a day where shoppers line-up the night before, the wait at the Canada-US border stretches for miles, and store clerks are trampled by parents eager to pick up Hannah Montana merchandise at can't be beat prices. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

To combat "Black Friday," someone stared "Buy Nothing Day," asking consumers to resist the really cheap Lazy-Boy or the really, really cheap flat screen TV, and instead just buy it the day after. Okay, so the 'day after' thing isn't the intended design of Buy Nothing Day, but an unfortunate occurrence, especially for the people pushing Buy Nothing Day and to all 3 people that bought nothing. Probably because they forgot to set their alarm to go off so they could be in line for the 5am doorcrasher at Best Buy.

To combat "Buy Nothing Day," someone started "The Three Day Weekend Sale," another blow to the Buy Nothing Day camp. These guys just can't catch a break. No matter the attempt, the big companies with their bigger sales just suck you in. That is why I'm proposing a new day: Buy Everything Day. You see, if you bought everything, you would have no more money to buy anything else. Then, no matter the sale or bargain deal on Hannah Montana t-shirts and lunch boxes, you wouldn't be able to afford it. The Buy Nothing Day people are happy, the companies are happy, it's a win-win situation! NOBEL PRIZE PLEASE.

Ballz Of Steel

Sometimes, people are courageous. Sometimes people are brave. Other times, they just have...

BALLZ OF STEEL (the 'Z' stands for 'zoo,' a place where animals are found, and some animals have massive balls)

Who's got a pair of impenetrable testes today? 30-year-old Ottawa resident, and mother of two, Marlena Sarazin. Ms. Sarazin is claiming police brutality and asking for witnesses to come forward and shed some light after Ottawa Police tasered her with 50 000 volts of electricity early Saturday morning. She can't remember the incident.

The police can. An officer attempted to pull over a suspected impaired driver in the Byward Market but the driver, Ms. Sarazin, fled. She ran over the officer's foot with her car and proceeded to sideswipe a taxi cab and another police cruiser before stopping a couple blocks away. Resisting arrest, four officers were forced to smash her car window and taser her in order to subdue her. The next thing Ms. Sarazin remembers is police warning her they would taser her again if she didn't calm down. Wow. She sure has a selective memory. I guess that's what 50 000 volts of electricity would do. Or alcohol. It's probably the alcohol.

Ms. Sarazin (did I mention she's a mother of two?) feels lucky to be alive after reading reports of how a guy out west just died after being tasered adding she doesn't feel she deserved to be tasered. It takes a giant pair to make a statement like that, especially after she was charged with impaired driving, dangerous driving, failing to remain at the scene of a crime, failing to stop for police, and resisting arrest.

"I don't have a criminal record or anything. I'm not a bad person." Another big-balled statement from our heroin, especially since she was also charged with driving with a suspended license.

Marlena Sarazin, mother of two, you have some Ballz of Steel. You also make Britney look like a good mom.

Who's On Strike Now

With the Writer's Guild of America strike, the stage hand's strike on Broadway, and the massive transit strike in Paris, France taking up all the news headlines, it got me thinking about who else is currently on strike right now. I decided to find out in a new segment I'm calling:

WHO'S ON STRIKE NOW

CUPE support works at the University of Saskatchewan. That's right. Saskatchewan has a university.

The workers have been on strike for 18 days and today, more than 100 students (of what is presumably a 100 student population) protested against the strike and the disruption to their learning. For those of you keeping score at home, the students went on strike and the on strike support workers. Classes are still running as normal so I don't know what the fuss is about. Loreena Frederick, a vet med student, told the crowd the the Veterinary Medical Hospital is now closed and is no longer taking in sick animals. The closure of the hospital has been called "collateral damage." OH won't somebody think of the animals!

Jesus Walks

If I ever get caught committing a crime, someone call me his lawyer, her lawyer, or her lawyer.

They must have a stack of Monopoly Get Out Of Jail Free Cards!

FOUR!

Munchies Snack Mix is the greatest combination of four foods ever. I mean, there's equal parts of Rold Gold pretzels, Cheetos cheezies, SunChips, and Doritos. Really, what's not to love. The snack mix got me thinking, what would be other great combinations of four things that legitimately fit together? I set out to find the greatest combinations in this first installment of Enoch Investigations Inc. Company Trademark.

1) Greasy Things - Café Nostalgica Fries, The Works Onion Rings, Chicken McNuggets, Dunn's Homefires (with the seasoning on top. Sometime the guy doesn't put it on and they just taste... blah).

2) Baked Goods - Krispy Kream Doughnuts, Pie (anykind), Bevertails, Cinnabons

3) Meats - Sausages, Meatballs, Lambchops, Gyro/Donair

4) Candy - Lindor whatever (times four)

5) UFC No Holds Barred Four Person Match - Royce Gracie, Ken Shamrock, Dan Severn, Randy Corture

Okay. So I cheated and went to Wikipedia to look up the last one. My original idea for this post was to talk about the Ultimate Fighting Championship after my brief introduction to it last night. What a simple, yet barbaric idea. Two guys go into a cage and beat the hell out of each other for three rounds of 15 minutes with the winner winning a whole bunch of money and the loser ending up dead, or nearly dead. It also makes the WWE (I think that's what they're called right now) look like a bunch of kids who are "managing" the team instead of making the cut. I know how they feel.

I've Got A Crush On You

Another new, hopefully recurring segment on The Last Great Canadian Journal.

I'VE GOT A CRUSH ON YOU

Today, I've got a crush on you digital version of Angelina Jolie in Beowulf on 3D IMAX. Ever since I first saw you, I knew you had to be mine. Your perfect body strategically covered by some weird gold liquid drove me insane. Your curves were even more curvey in 3D IMAX and if there wasn't another couple hundred people in the theatre, I would have tried to touch you coming out of the screen because you looked so real. I'll overlook the fact that you're an evil demon hellbent on destroying Norway, or wherever the movie was set in. The movie wasn't really clear on that point, and I didn't read the poem before going in.

I know you have an affinity for asians. Okay. So what if only real Angelina Jolie has an affinity for asians. And so what if real Angelina Jolie is married to real Brad Pitt who could really kick my ass. I don't care. Let's forget the real. By writing this digital blog, I hope my words will someday find you digital version of Angelina Jolie in Beowulf on 3D IMAX because I've got a crush on you.

Christmas Time Is Here

I've repositioned my head (what's left of it anyways) from the decapitation stemming from the Jericho season finale and I've fixed enough nerves to regain the typing and making sense function of my brain. Okay, just the typing function (the making sense function was never there to start with).

I'll admit that was just a tad graphic. Halloween I know was a few weeks ago, but I saw some Halloween decorations still up at a house today which means that Halloween is still going strong. But I'm confused. How can Halloween be happening when Christmas is happening? Both holidays had their decorations in stores at the same time. In Canada, November is the forgotten month. It has no major holidays (save for Remembrance Day, but the only people that can earn money from that are the people collecting money for poppies, so it's not a real holiday) and it falls right between Halloween and Christmas. Before you can say "sale candy," stores are already breaking out their festive vests and Christmas CDs. Luckily, I don't work in a store because if I did, Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" would be the soundtrack to my suicide.

Tis the season as well to release giant box sets and collector's editions of everything you can imagine. I can't decide whether to get the complete collection of Beetle Bailey and His Friends, Full House, Gilligan's Island, Iron King, The King Of Queens, Kung Fu, Seinfeld, Wonder Woman, The X-Files, The Addams Family, Captain N and the New Super Mario World, Gilmore Girls, The Littles, Miami Vice, or Northern Exposure on DVD (all the above mentioned shows released their complete series in the past two weeks alone).

If I were a CEO, I would scrap the whole notion of the two month Christmas promotion. Why don't we make EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR a lead up to Christmas!? Then, Bobby Joe across the street wouldn't look so stupid with his Christmas lights still up in July because they were on sale at Wal-Mart that very week. Screw the one-month advent calender. 365 DAYS OF A CHOCOLATE A DAY BABY. Think about it; it's the best way to make a lot of money. You would never have to mark down decorations or Christmas things because everyday leads up to Christmas! I'm going to sit here and wait for that to happen like I wait for Santa. It's going to be a Christmas miracle!

Announcement

Enoch is too busy finishing season one of Jericho to write a proper blog. If his head isn't completely blown off by the cliffhanger, he'll be back tomorrow.

ID UD we all D 4 3D

I saw Beowulf on 3D IMAX tonight. It wasn't the greatest movie but the graphics and 3D IMAX made up for it. Right after the movie started, Julie said that she's never seeing another movie again unless it's on 3D IMAX. I agree. 3D IMAX is the shit. Stuff's popping out at you so realistically you can almost touch it. Last Christmas, they re-released The Polar Express on 3D IMAX which shows the studios can re-release movies. The following are my suggestions for movies that should be re-released:

West Side Story - I want to see the Jets and the Sharks lunging out towards me as Tony is lunging for Maria, which I will also be able to see in 3D. You will also be able to see just how pretty Maria claims she is.

An Inconvenient Truth - Besides the obvious reason of the best powerpoint presentation ever transfered to 3D, watching Al Gore's chiseled Oscar/Emmy/Nobel Peace Prize/Pulitzer/Grammy/Tony/Cappies winning face would be a marvel. A bonus: watching the world go to hell is so much cooler in 3D.

Any porn movie. Specifically Pirates (XXX) - while I haven't watched Pirates (XXX), I have heard it had the biggest budget for a porn movie in history. The biggest budget for a porn movie must mean it has special effects, which makes it perfect for 3D IMAX. Actually, that's not the only reason that would make Pirates (XXX) a perfect fit for 3D IMAX. Use your sick, perverted imagination. I know I did.

Have I mentioned how cool 3D IMAX is? Well, I didn't mention the glasses they give you.
3D IMAX glasses are the new colour for fall.

What I'm Addicted To Now

I just realized that if I'm to continue writing a blog everyday (or there abouts), I'm gonna run out of topics to write about very soon. SO I'm going to try out a few features that may or may not return every once in a while.

WHAT I'M ADDICTED TO NOW

(sorta like a top 5 list of things I'm really digging right now but with a way cooler name)

5) Pizza Shark pizza - There's a place near my house on Gladstone that has great pizza. I don't really know what's in it that makes it really good. I think they put tobacco in it. The place is sketchy enough that I wouldn't put it past them. Still, at $3 for two slices, really good tobacco pizza is a steal.

4) DJ Champion et ses G-Strings - I saw these guys at Bluesfest in the rain and the put on a spectacular show. A DJ and his band of 4 guitarists, 1 bassist, and 1 vocalist. I kinda forgot about them until a few days ago when I downloaded Chill Em' All. Then I bought his live album; talk about a party. Speaking of dance music...

3) UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ - Bass drum kick + high hat + snare drum = dancey/techno beat. Whether it's in DJ Champion's music or Umphrey's McGee's music, I find that all I've been listening to recently are things I can flail my body to. In my head. It sure beats the last musical sound I was addicted to a few months ago.

2) Writer's Guild of America strike coverage - There's something about striking television writers that intrigues me. It's like they've written a giant drama staring themselves and there's a cliffhanger everyday. But that could never happen; television writers can never come up with cliffhangers.

1) Jericho - I just finished downloading the entire season (6 days and 6 hours of combined downloading time. It was a monster) and I can't stop watching. It's sort of like Lost in the vein of supernatural/apocalyptic thrillers that are very cryptic and give away MAYBE one clue to what's happening in each episode. But it's so good, and I take comfort in knowing that season one will be resolved (hopefully) in the seven second season episodes that have been made thanks to fans petitioning for the second season. AWESOME 7 TIMES!!!!!!!

"I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it"

Have you heard of Hannah Montana? Ask anyone under the age of 14 and they'll know exactly who you're talking about. I had never heard of her until a few weeks ago, but apparently in the States, she's fucking bigger than Jesus. And Jesus is pretty fucking big, especially in the States.

Exhibit A that Hannah Montana is bigger than Jesus:

Tickets for her concert sold out in as little as 12 seconds in most markets and scalpers who snapped some up are re-selling tickets for as much as $3 000 EACH ticket (I swear to God, who in this case is Hannah Montana). As a non-scientific comparison, I typed in "Jesus" into Ebay and the highest costing thing was an "18th century rare old master" of a painting entitled "Jesus Christ on the Cross." The bid is currently at $1 100. Montana wins by $1 900.

Exhibit B that Hannah Montana is bigger than Jesus:

They have erected a giant statue (*cough* IDOL *end cough*) of Hannah Montana outside of FLZ 93.3 FM in Tampa, Florida. Over past week and a bit, 20 people have been worshiping the idol Hannah Monstrosity in an attempt to win tickets, backstage passes, and $5 000 spending money for their upcoming Hannah Montana concert. Not to mention, the 12 foot tall statue is physically bigger than Jesus. Montana wins again and again.

All this Hannah Montana makes me feel left out in the teen idol swing of things. I realized that the only way you can garner the success of people such as Hannah Montana is to have highly publicized sell outs of your concert and the ensuing re-selling of the sold out tickets.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Enoch Kwok's intimate one night only acoustic concert "Kwok on a Cot" has SOLD OUT. Please don't call ticket outlets as they won't have any tickets. We also HIGHLY discourage the re-selling of tickets at prices nearing $10 000. Please, re-sell them at something more affordable, like $1 000.

Save The Downloaders, Save The World

In the past little while, two of my favourite BitTorrent sites have been shut down due to threats of legal action, international investigations, Interpol raids, arrests, and whatnot.

With regards to Oink, there are quite a number of false accusations that were circulated by the IFPI (something I've never heard of previous to the Oink raids). Firstly, they said that you had to pay to be a member and the money went into some secret off-shore account that was being used for personal gain by the owners. Not true. I'm too cheap to be a member of something I had to pay to use yet I was still an avid user of the site (the same notion holds true for my views on brothels and whore houses. If it's free, sign me up!). Secondly, they said you HAD to post illegal music or you'd be banned from the site. Again, untrue. You only had to SHARE the illegal music you downloaded from other people who posted it. If you went below a certain "share ratio," only then would you be banned. Lastly, the IFPI claimed that Oink was responsible for leaking 60 pre-release albums this year alone. Come on. 60!? Give us downloaders more credit than that! 60 a month was probably more like it and even that number is a bit on the low side.

I miss Oink. So do the other 180 000 international members that frequented the site (IFPI claim that all 180 000 users are now being investigated. HA.). When Oink got shutdown, that sent 180 000 people scrambling to find another site that was as good as Oink. Out of this need, another 5 sites popped up and pre-existing sites got a boost of illegally shared music from displaced Oinkers. If you're keeping score at home: IFPI/recording industry - 1, Downloaders - a number greater than 1. WE DID IT!

There has been lots of talk about downloading and "new-media" recently. While I've definitely spent less on purchasing CDs and DVDs, my money has been squandered elsewhere supporting the very same artists I download from. This year, I've seen more concerts, purchased more merchandise, and spent more time promoting new up and coming artists I would have never heard about or had the money to support if I didn't hear their music through sites such as Oink (e.g. check out Patrick Watson by any means necessary). Of course there is the flip side to that. The anti-social awkwardian who chooses to download and download and never leave his/her house or talk to anyone about anything. I'm looking at you fans of the show Heroes.

It's The Final Cut Pro Countdown

I have spent 15 hours in the past 7 days in an editing suite. This is how I see things now:

The world is your timeline. Crop it.

8 Simple Rules For Picking Up My Teenage Daughter

Two days in and I've already went back on my non-promise to post everyday. I think this could be the start of a long and prosperous relationship.

Something that makes me laugh/cringe/_________ (adjective) is when I see guys trying to pick up girls in bars/clubs/__________ (place). It kills me every time, usually because the guy is:

A) 10 years older
B) creepy/creepy/_________ (adjective that rhymes with sleazy)

and the girl is:

A) 10 years younger
B) way out of his league.

I'm all for miracles, but there are some things even God himself can't pull off (I'm looking at you According To Jim). What actually makes a guy think that he has a shot? (other than the fact the girl might be plastered). Because all of my friends are hot (if you know me, you're hot), I consider myself to be an expert at the observation of the pickup. First, the guy will try to make small talk, something related to the body or clothing. If he's really adventurous, the weather or a local sports team. Next, the male subject will move closer in an attempt to initiate physical contact with the female subject. He'll introduce her to his entourage, usually comprised of the same losers from the male subject's high school, even if they've been out of school for the past 15 years. If the man isn't a cheap bastard, he'll purchase more alcohol for the female subject to increase his odds. This step is key as the number of drinks someone has is proportional to the chances of her not realizing you're a douche chill. The final step involves the female's friends pulling her away from your creepy prying arms. If you've been a cheap bastard, you've lost no money and you're up 3-5 grazes of someone who you're not allowed to be with by law in 146 countries in the world. AWESOME 3-5 TIMES!!

I'm an everyday Mystery. I think that's why I'm not with anyone; I should use my method and pray for miracles.

On an unrelated note, Blogger has really improved since the last time I used it a couple of years ago (I guess that happens when you're purchased by the biggest company in the world). Except for the HTML thing (which I still can't figure out and means if you're looking at http://thelastgreatcanadianjournal.blogspot.com, the simplistic layout you see before you will probably stay for a while), the features have really improved. I'm digging the spell check within the posting area, the automatic draft saver, the 1GB or so of picture space, and signing-in with your pre-existing Google account. FEATURED BLOG PLEASE.

I'm Shaq

After a very long absence from blogging (Facebook Notes tells me since January), I have decided to stage a comeback. Comebacks have been very overrated this year (see: Britney Spears at the VMAs, OJ Simpson returning to the justice system, and this stinker) so I'm reluctant to say the least. What do I have that the other losers don't? Noooooooo money. That should keep me above the waters for a little while.

So much has happened since January, but since this is MY journal, I'm not going to write any of that here. I think the one thing that annoys me the most is when people post about every detail of their everyday life, everyday. I take nothing away from the people that post every once in a while, but if I know what your sleeping patterns are everyday for a week and how it was brought on by a rash you got from banging Timmy in the break room while Suzie looked on (you naughty fox you), then you're starting to annoy me.

A little explanation on the name of this new incarnation of Enoch's blog. I decided a short while ago that I need to write a musical. It's my ultimate challenge: to combine a theatrical play with music, arguably two of my greatest strengths. The idea I've come up with will not be revealed here (nor the name, which basically gives away the idea), but just know when this thing blows up on Broadway and sweeps the Tony awards, you read about it on my blog first. Even if it doesn't materialize and I never write a single song for it, it's a cool title.

I'm going to try to post everyday. It's not a promise but it's a start. Maybe not the essays I'm used to writing, but at least a little bit each day. I'm also going to try and go all 21st century on your asses by incorporating more pictures and videos to make things more interesting to look at. Again, not a promise. I do promise, however, to include the most groundbreaking and incisive issues that will serve as fodder for everyday intelligent conversation and not my usual brand of stupid, dirty, lowbrow humour. Isn't that right Al Franken in diapers and bunny ears while in bed clutching a teddy bear?

The Last Great Canadian Post

It's all downhill from here.