I've Got A Crush On You

Another new, hopefully recurring segment on The Last Great Canadian Journal.

I'VE GOT A CRUSH ON YOU

Today, I've got a crush on you digital version of Angelina Jolie in Beowulf on 3D IMAX. Ever since I first saw you, I knew you had to be mine. Your perfect body strategically covered by some weird gold liquid drove me insane. Your curves were even more curvey in 3D IMAX and if there wasn't another couple hundred people in the theatre, I would have tried to touch you coming out of the screen because you looked so real. I'll overlook the fact that you're an evil demon hellbent on destroying Norway, or wherever the movie was set in. The movie wasn't really clear on that point, and I didn't read the poem before going in.

I know you have an affinity for asians. Okay. So what if only real Angelina Jolie has an affinity for asians. And so what if real Angelina Jolie is married to real Brad Pitt who could really kick my ass. I don't care. Let's forget the real. By writing this digital blog, I hope my words will someday find you digital version of Angelina Jolie in Beowulf on 3D IMAX because I've got a crush on you.

Christmas Time Is Here

I've repositioned my head (what's left of it anyways) from the decapitation stemming from the Jericho season finale and I've fixed enough nerves to regain the typing and making sense function of my brain. Okay, just the typing function (the making sense function was never there to start with).

I'll admit that was just a tad graphic. Halloween I know was a few weeks ago, but I saw some Halloween decorations still up at a house today which means that Halloween is still going strong. But I'm confused. How can Halloween be happening when Christmas is happening? Both holidays had their decorations in stores at the same time. In Canada, November is the forgotten month. It has no major holidays (save for Remembrance Day, but the only people that can earn money from that are the people collecting money for poppies, so it's not a real holiday) and it falls right between Halloween and Christmas. Before you can say "sale candy," stores are already breaking out their festive vests and Christmas CDs. Luckily, I don't work in a store because if I did, Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" would be the soundtrack to my suicide.

Tis the season as well to release giant box sets and collector's editions of everything you can imagine. I can't decide whether to get the complete collection of Beetle Bailey and His Friends, Full House, Gilligan's Island, Iron King, The King Of Queens, Kung Fu, Seinfeld, Wonder Woman, The X-Files, The Addams Family, Captain N and the New Super Mario World, Gilmore Girls, The Littles, Miami Vice, or Northern Exposure on DVD (all the above mentioned shows released their complete series in the past two weeks alone).

If I were a CEO, I would scrap the whole notion of the two month Christmas promotion. Why don't we make EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR a lead up to Christmas!? Then, Bobby Joe across the street wouldn't look so stupid with his Christmas lights still up in July because they were on sale at Wal-Mart that very week. Screw the one-month advent calender. 365 DAYS OF A CHOCOLATE A DAY BABY. Think about it; it's the best way to make a lot of money. You would never have to mark down decorations or Christmas things because everyday leads up to Christmas! I'm going to sit here and wait for that to happen like I wait for Santa. It's going to be a Christmas miracle!

Announcement

Enoch is too busy finishing season one of Jericho to write a proper blog. If his head isn't completely blown off by the cliffhanger, he'll be back tomorrow.

ID UD we all D 4 3D

I saw Beowulf on 3D IMAX tonight. It wasn't the greatest movie but the graphics and 3D IMAX made up for it. Right after the movie started, Julie said that she's never seeing another movie again unless it's on 3D IMAX. I agree. 3D IMAX is the shit. Stuff's popping out at you so realistically you can almost touch it. Last Christmas, they re-released The Polar Express on 3D IMAX which shows the studios can re-release movies. The following are my suggestions for movies that should be re-released:

West Side Story - I want to see the Jets and the Sharks lunging out towards me as Tony is lunging for Maria, which I will also be able to see in 3D. You will also be able to see just how pretty Maria claims she is.

An Inconvenient Truth - Besides the obvious reason of the best powerpoint presentation ever transfered to 3D, watching Al Gore's chiseled Oscar/Emmy/Nobel Peace Prize/Pulitzer/Grammy/Tony/Cappies winning face would be a marvel. A bonus: watching the world go to hell is so much cooler in 3D.

Any porn movie. Specifically Pirates (XXX) - while I haven't watched Pirates (XXX), I have heard it had the biggest budget for a porn movie in history. The biggest budget for a porn movie must mean it has special effects, which makes it perfect for 3D IMAX. Actually, that's not the only reason that would make Pirates (XXX) a perfect fit for 3D IMAX. Use your sick, perverted imagination. I know I did.

Have I mentioned how cool 3D IMAX is? Well, I didn't mention the glasses they give you.
3D IMAX glasses are the new colour for fall.

What I'm Addicted To Now

I just realized that if I'm to continue writing a blog everyday (or there abouts), I'm gonna run out of topics to write about very soon. SO I'm going to try out a few features that may or may not return every once in a while.

WHAT I'M ADDICTED TO NOW

(sorta like a top 5 list of things I'm really digging right now but with a way cooler name)

5) Pizza Shark pizza - There's a place near my house on Gladstone that has great pizza. I don't really know what's in it that makes it really good. I think they put tobacco in it. The place is sketchy enough that I wouldn't put it past them. Still, at $3 for two slices, really good tobacco pizza is a steal.

4) DJ Champion et ses G-Strings - I saw these guys at Bluesfest in the rain and the put on a spectacular show. A DJ and his band of 4 guitarists, 1 bassist, and 1 vocalist. I kinda forgot about them until a few days ago when I downloaded Chill Em' All. Then I bought his live album; talk about a party. Speaking of dance music...

3) UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ - Bass drum kick + high hat + snare drum = dancey/techno beat. Whether it's in DJ Champion's music or Umphrey's McGee's music, I find that all I've been listening to recently are things I can flail my body to. In my head. It sure beats the last musical sound I was addicted to a few months ago.

2) Writer's Guild of America strike coverage - There's something about striking television writers that intrigues me. It's like they've written a giant drama staring themselves and there's a cliffhanger everyday. But that could never happen; television writers can never come up with cliffhangers.

1) Jericho - I just finished downloading the entire season (6 days and 6 hours of combined downloading time. It was a monster) and I can't stop watching. It's sort of like Lost in the vein of supernatural/apocalyptic thrillers that are very cryptic and give away MAYBE one clue to what's happening in each episode. But it's so good, and I take comfort in knowing that season one will be resolved (hopefully) in the seven second season episodes that have been made thanks to fans petitioning for the second season. AWESOME 7 TIMES!!!!!!!

"I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it"

Have you heard of Hannah Montana? Ask anyone under the age of 14 and they'll know exactly who you're talking about. I had never heard of her until a few weeks ago, but apparently in the States, she's fucking bigger than Jesus. And Jesus is pretty fucking big, especially in the States.

Exhibit A that Hannah Montana is bigger than Jesus:

Tickets for her concert sold out in as little as 12 seconds in most markets and scalpers who snapped some up are re-selling tickets for as much as $3 000 EACH ticket (I swear to God, who in this case is Hannah Montana). As a non-scientific comparison, I typed in "Jesus" into Ebay and the highest costing thing was an "18th century rare old master" of a painting entitled "Jesus Christ on the Cross." The bid is currently at $1 100. Montana wins by $1 900.

Exhibit B that Hannah Montana is bigger than Jesus:

They have erected a giant statue (*cough* IDOL *end cough*) of Hannah Montana outside of FLZ 93.3 FM in Tampa, Florida. Over past week and a bit, 20 people have been worshiping the idol Hannah Monstrosity in an attempt to win tickets, backstage passes, and $5 000 spending money for their upcoming Hannah Montana concert. Not to mention, the 12 foot tall statue is physically bigger than Jesus. Montana wins again and again.

All this Hannah Montana makes me feel left out in the teen idol swing of things. I realized that the only way you can garner the success of people such as Hannah Montana is to have highly publicized sell outs of your concert and the ensuing re-selling of the sold out tickets.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Enoch Kwok's intimate one night only acoustic concert "Kwok on a Cot" has SOLD OUT. Please don't call ticket outlets as they won't have any tickets. We also HIGHLY discourage the re-selling of tickets at prices nearing $10 000. Please, re-sell them at something more affordable, like $1 000.

Save The Downloaders, Save The World

In the past little while, two of my favourite BitTorrent sites have been shut down due to threats of legal action, international investigations, Interpol raids, arrests, and whatnot.

With regards to Oink, there are quite a number of false accusations that were circulated by the IFPI (something I've never heard of previous to the Oink raids). Firstly, they said that you had to pay to be a member and the money went into some secret off-shore account that was being used for personal gain by the owners. Not true. I'm too cheap to be a member of something I had to pay to use yet I was still an avid user of the site (the same notion holds true for my views on brothels and whore houses. If it's free, sign me up!). Secondly, they said you HAD to post illegal music or you'd be banned from the site. Again, untrue. You only had to SHARE the illegal music you downloaded from other people who posted it. If you went below a certain "share ratio," only then would you be banned. Lastly, the IFPI claimed that Oink was responsible for leaking 60 pre-release albums this year alone. Come on. 60!? Give us downloaders more credit than that! 60 a month was probably more like it and even that number is a bit on the low side.

I miss Oink. So do the other 180 000 international members that frequented the site (IFPI claim that all 180 000 users are now being investigated. HA.). When Oink got shutdown, that sent 180 000 people scrambling to find another site that was as good as Oink. Out of this need, another 5 sites popped up and pre-existing sites got a boost of illegally shared music from displaced Oinkers. If you're keeping score at home: IFPI/recording industry - 1, Downloaders - a number greater than 1. WE DID IT!

There has been lots of talk about downloading and "new-media" recently. While I've definitely spent less on purchasing CDs and DVDs, my money has been squandered elsewhere supporting the very same artists I download from. This year, I've seen more concerts, purchased more merchandise, and spent more time promoting new up and coming artists I would have never heard about or had the money to support if I didn't hear their music through sites such as Oink (e.g. check out Patrick Watson by any means necessary). Of course there is the flip side to that. The anti-social awkwardian who chooses to download and download and never leave his/her house or talk to anyone about anything. I'm looking at you fans of the show Heroes.