A Christmas Message

(Because I'm lazy and technically still on hiatus, I'm going to repost my Christmas Day blog from last year with a few updated jokes and references and some revision. Hope you enjoy it. Again.)

It's Christmas time again and what do I do? The same thing I do every holiday or on any day with some significance: write a late-night blog. I just can't bring myself to write in the day time, partially because there are just so many more important things to do in the day (things such as... okay, there really is nothing important to do during the day time. I was just trying to set up my next point as to why I usually write late at night but I'm doing a piss-poor job at that because I'm being upfront with you, the loyal blog reader) but mostly because night writing brings out the words in all of us; the words that are too terrible for the day time and not quite ready for primetime. You know the ones! You've seen them on PerezHilton.com and heard them (although, not directly) from the mouth of Miss Teen South Carolina. Words that I don't wanna repeat for fear of having to apologize on the air.

Christmas Day is and was never really big in our household. Everyone always knows what they are getting and the decorations are always just a few lights, a few wrap-around evergreen strings, and maybe a mini-tree. The presents never come out at night, always when everyone is awake so suffice to say (*HUGE SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS, SKIP AHEAD. I don't want to ruin your Christmas and all the presents that the really real Santa brings. END OF HUGE SPOILER ALERT*) my parents never pushed the fabrication that is Santa on my sister and I. I was thinking to myself today whether or not I should do that to my kids. I think I won't because I don't want to see his or her heart break when he or she finds out there is no Santa and that it was all a lie, just like (*MORE HUGE SPOILERS*) the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, or Britney Spears is a good mother.

Even if Christmas is big at your house, I don't know what people do on this day other then "spend time with family" and "have a good honkin' meal." After the presents are unwrapped (or if they weren't wrapped to begin with), the day kind of always feels just like any other day except that the stores are closed and television programming really sucks (it's either re-runs or some ill-conceived made-for-TV movie about something that goes horrible wrong at Christmas time but eventually works itself out). Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking Christmas. I love the break you get off of whatever you're doing and the excuse it gives you for giving and receiving presents. I mean what other time of the year do you get to see the disappointed faces of your friends and family when you give them the High School Musical 2 DVD Board Game!? Okay, maybe their birthday, but you don't get to see the disappointed faces of everyone that's gathered in the room when you give them ALL the High School Musical 2 DVD Board Game at the same time! It's the thought that counts.

What other time of the year do you get the brave ridiculous line-ups at stores before AND after Christmas day? What other time of the year do you get to feel really bad for not having someone to spoon with? What other time of the year do the Porn shops close and you can't rent The Da Vinci Load or Saving Ryan's Privates? Okay, those are knocks against Christmas. I promised myself and Baby Jesus I wouldn't diss Christmas because Baby Jesus' posse is huge, and his street cred is through the roof. That gives me a great idea. If Christians are trying to reach out to youth, they should appeal to youths with hip hop. I mean, who wouldn't like some "DA DEVIL IZ 4 LEWSERS" bling, a big portrait of Jesus on a oversized black t-shirt, or some really cool God logo on a baseball cap (a la the New York Yankees, etc). Just think of all the people who think that Tupac's "resurrection" was "illin'." If you told them that Tupac actually "posed" off of Jesus, you'll get some automatic converts.

Okay, I went off the rails with that tangent. Where was I? Oh yes, Porn. That gives me another great idea. Christianity should use Porn to try and convert people! Think about it, using the biggest industry in the world to get your message out. It's a win-win situation. Catholic School Girls Gone Wild should do it.

I have a zit or... something on my forehead. I hate things that aren't normally apart of my body, they creep/frustrate me out. What does this have to do with Christmas you say? Nothing at all. I should have ended my blog with that last paragraph because it was funnier. I don't know why I kept going. This anecdote has nothing to do with anything that was written in this blog or have any relation to the holidays. It's just full disclosure in keeping with the tradition of Festivus. Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to watch Hannah Montana - Life's What You Make It on DVD. Ahh. Just what I asked for.